Beauty in the Embers ----> 'The Taboo Lesson of Giving Up and Letting Go'

Have you ever fought for something so hard wanting it to work and bear fruit and yet it doesn't? Ever worked at something so hard you wore yourself out over and over again but it still wasn't working? Well, I'm here to tell you in the famous words of Usher, Let it Burn.

See this:

Scene 1- In Pimple situations, the results are worse when you try popping rather just let it come up, thrive and dry itself out...leaves no mark this way actually. 

Scene 2- Car accident. Some accidents end up being worse and fatal while trying to avoid smaller ones. Just crash- you'll survive...leave the emergency brakes alone....this one might cause a car flip and kill you.

Scene 3- Game Of thrones...Khaleesi ordered Jorah to get a cure. The cure was having a thick layer of all his skin peeled off. The ointments just gave relief for a moment. 

Scene 4- Meghan, her divorce and her now duchess status and man who worships the ground she walks on 

Scene 5- Ciara, Future, Baby future and Russell Wilson....no words necessary here 

Now, the above scenarios will relate to relationships, business opportunities, friendships  and so on and so forth. Some people, things, chances and doors are not going to work. Matter of fact- let them burn. It is this fire that will purify the sacrifice. Your sacrifice. Your blood. Your  tears. Your sweat. Your all. You. 

Even in our relationship with God, some lows be come super lows....when you discover rock bottom has a basement. He says, be still. Stop trying too hard. It was never meant to be this hard, it was meant to bend you not break you...bend you for a reshape. It is in silence where most of the times we thrive...where God bellows or where you hear his still small voice. Just listen. Stop talking, stop crying, stop begging and definitely quit negotiating lest you find yourself at the devil's crossroad selling your soul.

At times, learn to let go. Let it hurt, let it burn. From the ashes you will rise. Stop holding on to things, people, opportunities clearly not meant for you or whose time isn't in the now. It's ok to let go. Trust me, i repeat - IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE THAT HARD. Also remember that,  a blessing whose time hasn't come, will hurt you. Blessings do require preparations.
A seed must die for a plant to be born. Always know this and apply it to those situations which are draining  you, which are ominous,  where people are sucking the life out of you, that relationship that you have sacrificed everything for that you have nothing left to yourself and of yourself. Do not be overshadowed by your own shadow. Do not allow yourself to become a shell of the woman or man you once were or that you're meant to be.

I'm currently applying this in my life- I'm right there in the fire. I feel the flesh seeping off my bones. But like Ezekiel in the valley of the dead, these dry bones are becoming an army.
Last year, my resolution was total surrender to God and I achieved that 80%. This year, it's total surrender to life, it's beauty and complexity in equal measure. Now watch me Rise.
This doesn't mean giving up on everything. Please read between the lines. 
This means doing an audit of your life and it's situations and if the bad outweighs the good even by an ounce, letting it crash and burn and trusting God and life to work itself out.

Love,

Nyandia.

19-01-2018

There I was at 6 pm sitting at my Obgyn 's office. I'd passed my due date and out of boredom -yes boredom - I decided to pay her a visit, just because.
I hopped on the examination table as she asked and it began. Her face tensed. 'keep Calm Ruth' she said.

'So, she's in breech. Your body is ready and has been for a while but your princess is in breech. We need to operate immediately '

'Oh, Ok'

'Ruth, did you hear what I said?'

'Uhm, Yeah we need to operate. Caesarean right? How soon?'

'ASAP I want you to meet me in the theater in 2-3 hrs Max'

'Ok. Can I rush home and pick my hospitals bags?'

'That's fine. Oh and don't eat anything.'

NOOOOOOO how can she just tell me not to eat? I live to eat not the other way round as should be. Man! But God is faithful.
Sawa tu. Issokei, i mean, Issorait.


She tries to explain again why I need to have an emergency Caeserian Section. My calmness is unnerving to her. She later told me she greatly admires my cool in terrible situations. Lord knows there have been enough.
I assure her that I understand and I'm OK, ill be seeing her in a few. Before I leave, she has me do a final scan to show just how heavy the breech is- 'Doc, seriously lol I get it. I'm just not the type that panics over stuff beyond their control. Plus, we have been praying. It is well'

Tonight, I'm meeting my Daughter. Finally the conversations will be face to face. I can't wait!

I call my Mom:
'Mom I'm going into theatre'

'When? Why? Is the baby Ok? Are you Ok?'

'I'm rushing home to pick my bags then straight into the OR (Operating Room)

Silence.

She panics, gets manic and starts crying, silently praying.

'No No No it's OK Mom. Please don't do that.'

'Who's with you?'

'I'm by myself.'

Further silence

'Ok I'm coming right now. I'll be there by the time they're wheeling you in. God is in control.'

'Duh, of course he is.'

I let my Dad know as well.

I get home and Dora-my lawyer neighbor is waiting for me. Lol I think she thinks like I should be screaming and writhing in pain or whatever. Too many movies i presume. She doesn't let me carry a thing. I swear she nearly carries me into the car. It's hilarious.We drive to hospital. We discuss Clean Bandit and Zara Larson.

We get to hospital and I start filling the forms. They bring me a wheelchair.
'Nope! Nyet! Nada! Apana! Asha! I can walk. I'm fine. I don't need the attention'
i fear attention despite me attracting it normally.

Knowing better than to argue with a pregnant woman, the male nurse obliges and leaves me alone. For now.

Mom is almost here. So is Christabel.

I'm done with the forms and it's changing time. Plus they need to get my IV in. This time they fight me to a wheelchair. Ugh! Outside the OR I find my Mom and Christabel. Mom is heavily distressed...while I'm here grinning like an idiot. Mom seems to understand the gravity of the situation and clearly thinks I'm medicated since I haven't a worry in the world. She hugs me, tears down her face. I ask Christabel to assure her over and over that it is well and I'll be out in record time. It's 9:15. The doctors are waiting. Yes, it was a team of around 6.
We say a quick prayer.

I'm wheeled in. I regret not eating earlier in the day. I'm effing hungry 😭 I'm more worried of dying from starvation and not the procedure. Bad joke but the truth.

'Where's Mom? I wanted to talk to her before starting but I couldn't find her and this can't wait anymore' , my Doctor asks.

'She's outside balling her eyes out from worry though I tried to assure her everything is ok'

'It's OK ill talk to her later'

Let's begin!
*orchestra sounds*
I kid.

A male nurse takes off my gown revealing my nude. *picture how the matador flips the red cloth in front of the bull then magnificently places his one foot at a precise angle behind the other*
'Damn! Buy me dinner first at least ' I say.
They burst out laughing.

The Epidural is done first.

It begins.

I can see everything BTW from a reflection. I ask them to let me observe. The Anesthesiologist keeps talking to me, asking questions I have to reply I guess to keep me from drifting. I swear throughout the procedure she administered like 30 drugs. It's not even normal.

15-20 minutes in, they pull her out. Her eyes are wide open and they're LARGE like mine
*grins like an idiot*
She's silently looking at them. They tap her butt and she continues to stare-So My Daughter! They tap again and she makes a small short cry then goes back to staring. The doctors laugh.

'Your daughter was seated.'

I didn't know the gravity of this until later.

They bring her to me...I'm tearing up. I kiss her forehead and snuggle my face on hers. I can't hold her so the Pediatrician holds her against mine.
I love her.
She loves me.

The Anesthesiologist rolls her eyes 'Aki don't be one of those' as she wipes a tear off the corner of my eye. hehehe she expected me to start wailing in joy. They take her and clean her and leave her for a minute to play around. Then a nurse takes her to the nursery.
2.9kg.
She's small but she's healthy. She's OK-that's what matters.

God is Good.

They stitch my uterus then the skin. Yes I'm still watching and had to be graphic to make you understand.They Clean me up and we are done. I'm taken to recovery and pumped full of painkillers. I ask if they can bring her to me. They say I'll find her in my suite.

See what I did there? #HumbleBrag
But yes, Suite.

An hour later they wheel me in.

My Baby, My Zahara Faith is in Pink-Her Dad's favorite color LMAO

Stop Nyandia! Compose yourself.

I have guests already...I feel the love. Even in my physically numb state 😁
I'm such an idiot. Lmao She's in for a ride.

We pray, we cry, we love on her.
Wait, what about me? I cease to exist. My Zahara is THE MAIN now.
It's OK.
I'm still super mom.

Love,

Nyandia aka Ma' Zahara

MY GRAVIDITY JOURNEY:

My Sensei rating right now is quite up there. hehe! or so I feel. No! I deserve it! 38 weeks and still going strong in my plump solitude :D I feel so accomplished as I write this. A deep yet ragged sense of entitlement has come over me and all sense of humility, Bereft.

Here we are, in our final 10th Month lap. Yes people, it is 10 months and No, I am not a sea lion. I have had 10 months to contemplate on the things I took for granted before falling pregnant just in case you happen to be among the one in a few thousand couples whose pregnancy timelines fall in line with the will of the gods and you somehow convince yourself that you 'planned' for it:

a. Coffee- Watched 'George of the Jungle'? When he goes to New York for the first time and discovers Coffee? Yes! do that! Munch those coffee beans to the max cause once your preggo, NO MORE CAFFEINE! Utter Sadness
b. Sleeping/Lying on your belly- I'm tearing up as I write this...simply because.
c. Breathing like a normal person- here, you become the screeching sea lion or the seal being clubbed.
d. Simply sleeping
e. Sitting.

I have also come to learn that there are things that everyone says happens in pregnancy to everyone but through my personal journey I have come to simply learn, IT AINT SO:
To be clear too, I 1000% believe this was purely God's grace in my life because whew! I needed it in bucketloads. Remember also that EVERY Woman's body is unique and no one has the same exact experience.
a. Cravings- I never had any. Save for liking spinach a bit more than before and that was probably due to an Iron deficiency in my last trimester OR maybe it was this goat I saw some time eating some and I felt jealous, I Don't Know; I just need my spinach.
b. Major weight gain- Does not happen to everyone.
c. Swollen feet- Nope, Never.
d. Hormonal Imbalance- I have never not once had a mood swing . Yes, it is possible. I have been ok thus far emotions wise...haven't thrown any tantrums yet or slashed anyone's tires.YET..
e. Cramps- These were what I experienced :( My Uterus was literally punishing me , I was in a torture dungeon. At some points, I actually thought the worst had come, yes it was that bad. Multiple days at a time. Every. Single. Day. especially in the first 3 months. This is something none of the people I know who have had babies ever experienced.
f. Vomiting as part of Morning Sickness-Not once have i ever thrown up. Which in my case i think was much far worse than had I just barfed. The Nausea though-eek! I'm about to be liberated- Hallelujur!
g. Stretch Marks- Hydrate and Moisturise that skin like your life depends on it. Though this is also dependent on genes-high chance that if your Moms had them, so will you. Embrace those tigress stripes!!
h. Large Belly- Especially with that first pregnancy. My belly popped at 8 Months. I wore the same clothes I was wearing pre-pregnancy up until then.
Like I said- God's grace.

I have spinach to pan fry at 10 in the morning.

Ciao!

Me and Mine.