WHEN GOD IS SILENT…

Dear Diary,

Mornings like these I wake up on edge. After probably a few hours of sleep due to insomnia, too many dreams and nightmares, anxiety, weakness due to my meds…see the trend? This has been my past two months or so. I am tired of it. It’s like a part of me is dead, clearly. I pray about everything, even when I do not find an answer to anything at all, even when nothing makes sense at all, even when he chooses to be silent, I still look up to him.

I am in an utter state of confusion, what next? No employment? Hell yes. But then, bills to pay. So many ideas, dreams and visions fill my mind when I think about it, but where to get the capital to make even one a reality? Normally when I freak out, I prefer to do so silently…no one needs to know my shit. But this time, I am freaking out for real. I’d so love to go back to school and do my masters and PhD back to back but then again, tuition? Another roadblock. One by one in each and every way possible to me, everything I can think of gets cut off by some reason. Ugh!! Speak of utter frustration.

Every time I tune to the book of Ezekiel: ‘Speak to your dead dry bones’ I do so but man! Are these super dead or what? Inwardly, I am slowly dying and it is reflected outwardly. Too many hardships, too much pain, too much numbness. Perfect wording. Numb. I am numb. Which is worse than pain as it is a result of too much hurt. No one can understand, until you have walked a mile in these shoes. Nothing seems to help or be a resolve…I am tempted to drink but then again I think; with my current health status, who would that be harming more? See what I mean? A Roadblock everywhere.

God really is silent. Whatever test this is? Only he knows why. I don’t think anyone can take as much. It honestly is too much.

Too much.

I read that each and every dream and passion in us is kept there by him, for his fulfillment. I want to laugh at this statement but then again, we are dead without hope. I choose to believe that the teacher is always silent during the test, to not mistake God's silence for his absence. So I choose to hope and pray that soon enough, my sun will rise again; soon enough, the storm will calm; soon enough, it will be done.

After all...
When God is silent, He is not still. God does some of His best work in the dark. Trust Him-He's there. - Tony Evan

Nyandia. 

LET IT GO

I resigned.

Yes I did. On the 20th of October 2014. I handed in my resignation.
Every morning I wake up, with so much going on I ask, What If? In my pageant situation, I could not do anything but in my work situation, yes I can. A very long stride aka a leap of faith and with pride and tears, I handed it in. Here's one reason..

Two months ago, I get a transfer letter and it's quoted... With immediate effect. To a different town in a kinda rural place. Here's my problem : I have SLE, I have Severe Chronic Colitis  and UV itis. Weekly, I have to go to hospital and has been the case for the past 4 years. I need my doc, I need my calm weather and the new place, the cold will kill me. To top it all off, I've been switched departments... From ICT and social media to Marketting. Yeah right! Like that ever work. See, we are in ICT because being geek is in our DNA. For me, it was chosen before I was born... I'm good at it, nay very good. And I was about to start my MSc and PhD in the same. So this isn't a question.

I call my Mom, I'm crying, I'm shaking and shivering. I leave the office and head to a coffee house to meet Christian. Tears stream down my face , a lady comes over to out booth... 'God is in control' she whispers. This is the second time in 10 months this has happened. Just a few weeks after my documents weirdly go missing in HR. I have to justify my stay in the capital. My need for the good weather, my need for availability of a 24/7 hospital, my need for my specialist. Once again, I have to prove I have a health condition. I remember painfully when it happened again. The boss on my face screaming at me that I was feigning sickness, asking me not to step into the office building without evidence of a doctor's note all this in front of my workmates. Previous day, I'd admitted myself at the Karen Hospital, had a minor procedure performed and had later discharged myself and was at work the following day, woozy and in pain. All this, I did by myself probably only two people knew as I didn't want to loose my job. This job I have so loved and have sweat blood for. This procedure was to prove I had severe chronic colitis. Great! Lupus wasn't enough.

I have lost prior jobs due to my health. The inability to work with certain conditions. These situations and people are the ones who make people like me ask,  'Why Me' the very reason for most of our psychological pain. These are the people who say it in words and action, 'We need a healthy person'  to your face. I know it's wrong to question God but I admit, more than once... I have. To him and to my Mother. To be honest, you can never understand until you've walked steps in my shoes.

Right now, I write this. I wrote a letter asking for a reconsideration with all the necessary letter and evidence but ni reply a month later. So I have no option. I have to resign or else I'll find myself in disciplinary. And yesterday I got a letter, accepting my resignation but also stating that I am to repay my one month gross salary. I hadn't realized my insurance was cancelled immediately and I went for a check up. My hands and legs have been acting up, intense bone and join pain with swelling. After consult and meds, I get a call from insurance, you're not covered hence have to foot your bill:11,000 Ksh. In cash. Just for one day. My nights are full of tears and the days, well the days are spent trying to get by.

My Mom keeps quoting 2nd Corinthians 20. 'The battle is the Lord's' it says. But this battle, my God, till when? It's worn me down. The disease eats at me and the stress and emotions as well. It's unfair is all I murmur just as I am about to fall asleep.

Nyandia.