WHEN GOD IS SILENT…

Dear Diary,

Mornings like these I wake up on edge. After probably a few hours of sleep due to insomnia, too many dreams and nightmares, anxiety, weakness due to my meds…see the trend? This has been my past two months or so. I am tired of it. It’s like a part of me is dead, clearly. I pray about everything, even when I do not find an answer to anything at all, even when nothing makes sense at all, even when he chooses to be silent, I still look up to him.

I am in an utter state of confusion, what next? No employment? Hell yes. But then, bills to pay. So many ideas, dreams and visions fill my mind when I think about it, but where to get the capital to make even one a reality? Normally when I freak out, I prefer to do so silently…no one needs to know my shit. But this time, I am freaking out for real. I’d so love to go back to school and do my masters and PhD back to back but then again, tuition? Another roadblock. One by one in each and every way possible to me, everything I can think of gets cut off by some reason. Ugh!! Speak of utter frustration.

Every time I tune to the book of Ezekiel: ‘Speak to your dead dry bones’ I do so but man! Are these super dead or what? Inwardly, I am slowly dying and it is reflected outwardly. Too many hardships, too much pain, too much numbness. Perfect wording. Numb. I am numb. Which is worse than pain as it is a result of too much hurt. No one can understand, until you have walked a mile in these shoes. Nothing seems to help or be a resolve…I am tempted to drink but then again I think; with my current health status, who would that be harming more? See what I mean? A Roadblock everywhere.

God really is silent. Whatever test this is? Only he knows why. I don’t think anyone can take as much. It honestly is too much.

Too much.

I read that each and every dream and passion in us is kept there by him, for his fulfillment. I want to laugh at this statement but then again, we are dead without hope. I choose to believe that the teacher is always silent during the test, to not mistake God's silence for his absence. So I choose to hope and pray that soon enough, my sun will rise again; soon enough, the storm will calm; soon enough, it will be done.

After all...
When God is silent, He is not still. God does some of His best work in the dark. Trust Him-He's there. - Tony Evan

Nyandia.