Beauty in the Embers ----> 'The Taboo Lesson of Giving Up and Letting Go'

Have you ever fought for something so hard wanting it to work and bear fruit and yet it doesn't? Ever worked at something so hard you wore yourself out over and over again but it still wasn't working? Well, I'm here to tell you in the famous words of Usher, Let it Burn.

See this:

Scene 1- In Pimple situations, the results are worse when you try popping rather just let it come up, thrive and dry itself out...leaves no mark this way actually. 

Scene 2- Car accident. Some accidents end up being worse and fatal while trying to avoid smaller ones. Just crash- you'll survive...leave the emergency brakes alone....this one might cause a car flip and kill you.

Scene 3- Game Of thrones...Khaleesi ordered Jorah to get a cure. The cure was having a thick layer of all his skin peeled off. The ointments just gave relief for a moment. 

Scene 4- Meghan, her divorce and her now duchess status and man who worships the ground she walks on 

Scene 5- Ciara, Future, Baby future and Russell Wilson....no words necessary here 

Now, the above scenarios will relate to relationships, business opportunities, friendships  and so on and so forth. Some people, things, chances and doors are not going to work. Matter of fact- let them burn. It is this fire that will purify the sacrifice. Your sacrifice. Your blood. Your  tears. Your sweat. Your all. You. 

Even in our relationship with God, some lows be come super lows....when you discover rock bottom has a basement. He says, be still. Stop trying too hard. It was never meant to be this hard, it was meant to bend you not break you...bend you for a reshape. It is in silence where most of the times we thrive...where God bellows or where you hear his still small voice. Just listen. Stop talking, stop crying, stop begging and definitely quit negotiating lest you find yourself at the devil's crossroad selling your soul.

At times, learn to let go. Let it hurt, let it burn. From the ashes you will rise. Stop holding on to things, people, opportunities clearly not meant for you or whose time isn't in the now. It's ok to let go. Trust me, i repeat - IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE THAT HARD. Also remember that,  a blessing whose time hasn't come, will hurt you. Blessings do require preparations.
A seed must die for a plant to be born. Always know this and apply it to those situations which are draining  you, which are ominous,  where people are sucking the life out of you, that relationship that you have sacrificed everything for that you have nothing left to yourself and of yourself. Do not be overshadowed by your own shadow. Do not allow yourself to become a shell of the woman or man you once were or that you're meant to be.

I'm currently applying this in my life- I'm right there in the fire. I feel the flesh seeping off my bones. But like Ezekiel in the valley of the dead, these dry bones are becoming an army.
Last year, my resolution was total surrender to God and I achieved that 80%. This year, it's total surrender to life, it's beauty and complexity in equal measure. Now watch me Rise.
This doesn't mean giving up on everything. Please read between the lines. 
This means doing an audit of your life and it's situations and if the bad outweighs the good even by an ounce, letting it crash and burn and trusting God and life to work itself out.

Love,

Nyandia.

19-01-2018

There I was at 6 pm sitting at my Obgyn 's office. I'd passed my due date and out of boredom -yes boredom - I decided to pay her a visit, just because.
I hopped on the examination table as she asked and it began. Her face tensed. 'keep Calm Ruth' she said.

'So, she's in breech. Your body is ready and has been for a while but your princess is in breech. We need to operate immediately '

'Oh, Ok'

'Ruth, did you hear what I said?'

'Uhm, Yeah we need to operate. Caesarean right? How soon?'

'ASAP I want you to meet me in the theater in 2-3 hrs Max'

'Ok. Can I rush home and pick my hospitals bags?'

'That's fine. Oh and don't eat anything.'

NOOOOOOO how can she just tell me not to eat? I live to eat not the other way round as should be. Man! But God is faithful.
Sawa tu. Issokei, i mean, Issorait.


She tries to explain again why I need to have an emergency Caeserian Section. My calmness is unnerving to her. She later told me she greatly admires my cool in terrible situations. Lord knows there have been enough.
I assure her that I understand and I'm OK, ill be seeing her in a few. Before I leave, she has me do a final scan to show just how heavy the breech is- 'Doc, seriously lol I get it. I'm just not the type that panics over stuff beyond their control. Plus, we have been praying. It is well'

Tonight, I'm meeting my Daughter. Finally the conversations will be face to face. I can't wait!

I call my Mom:
'Mom I'm going into theatre'

'When? Why? Is the baby Ok? Are you Ok?'

'I'm rushing home to pick my bags then straight into the OR (Operating Room)

Silence.

She panics, gets manic and starts crying, silently praying.

'No No No it's OK Mom. Please don't do that.'

'Who's with you?'

'I'm by myself.'

Further silence

'Ok I'm coming right now. I'll be there by the time they're wheeling you in. God is in control.'

'Duh, of course he is.'

I let my Dad know as well.

I get home and Dora-my lawyer neighbor is waiting for me. Lol I think she thinks like I should be screaming and writhing in pain or whatever. Too many movies i presume. She doesn't let me carry a thing. I swear she nearly carries me into the car. It's hilarious.We drive to hospital. We discuss Clean Bandit and Zara Larson.

We get to hospital and I start filling the forms. They bring me a wheelchair.
'Nope! Nyet! Nada! Apana! Asha! I can walk. I'm fine. I don't need the attention'
i fear attention despite me attracting it normally.

Knowing better than to argue with a pregnant woman, the male nurse obliges and leaves me alone. For now.

Mom is almost here. So is Christabel.

I'm done with the forms and it's changing time. Plus they need to get my IV in. This time they fight me to a wheelchair. Ugh! Outside the OR I find my Mom and Christabel. Mom is heavily distressed...while I'm here grinning like an idiot. Mom seems to understand the gravity of the situation and clearly thinks I'm medicated since I haven't a worry in the world. She hugs me, tears down her face. I ask Christabel to assure her over and over that it is well and I'll be out in record time. It's 9:15. The doctors are waiting. Yes, it was a team of around 6.
We say a quick prayer.

I'm wheeled in. I regret not eating earlier in the day. I'm effing hungry 😭 I'm more worried of dying from starvation and not the procedure. Bad joke but the truth.

'Where's Mom? I wanted to talk to her before starting but I couldn't find her and this can't wait anymore' , my Doctor asks.

'She's outside balling her eyes out from worry though I tried to assure her everything is ok'

'It's OK ill talk to her later'

Let's begin!
*orchestra sounds*
I kid.

A male nurse takes off my gown revealing my nude. *picture how the matador flips the red cloth in front of the bull then magnificently places his one foot at a precise angle behind the other*
'Damn! Buy me dinner first at least ' I say.
They burst out laughing.

The Epidural is done first.

It begins.

I can see everything BTW from a reflection. I ask them to let me observe. The Anesthesiologist keeps talking to me, asking questions I have to reply I guess to keep me from drifting. I swear throughout the procedure she administered like 30 drugs. It's not even normal.

15-20 minutes in, they pull her out. Her eyes are wide open and they're LARGE like mine
*grins like an idiot*
She's silently looking at them. They tap her butt and she continues to stare-So My Daughter! They tap again and she makes a small short cry then goes back to staring. The doctors laugh.

'Your daughter was seated.'

I didn't know the gravity of this until later.

They bring her to me...I'm tearing up. I kiss her forehead and snuggle my face on hers. I can't hold her so the Pediatrician holds her against mine.
I love her.
She loves me.

The Anesthesiologist rolls her eyes 'Aki don't be one of those' as she wipes a tear off the corner of my eye. hehehe she expected me to start wailing in joy. They take her and clean her and leave her for a minute to play around. Then a nurse takes her to the nursery.
2.9kg.
She's small but she's healthy. She's OK-that's what matters.

God is Good.

They stitch my uterus then the skin. Yes I'm still watching and had to be graphic to make you understand.They Clean me up and we are done. I'm taken to recovery and pumped full of painkillers. I ask if they can bring her to me. They say I'll find her in my suite.

See what I did there? #HumbleBrag
But yes, Suite.

An hour later they wheel me in.

My Baby, My Zahara Faith is in Pink-Her Dad's favorite color LMAO

Stop Nyandia! Compose yourself.

I have guests already...I feel the love. Even in my physically numb state 😁
I'm such an idiot. Lmao She's in for a ride.

We pray, we cry, we love on her.
Wait, what about me? I cease to exist. My Zahara is THE MAIN now.
It's OK.
I'm still super mom.

Love,

Nyandia aka Ma' Zahara

MY GRAVIDITY JOURNEY:

My Sensei rating right now is quite up there. hehe! or so I feel. No! I deserve it! 38 weeks and still going strong in my plump solitude :D I feel so accomplished as I write this. A deep yet ragged sense of entitlement has come over me and all sense of humility, Bereft.

Here we are, in our final 10th Month lap. Yes people, it is 10 months and No, I am not a sea lion. I have had 10 months to contemplate on the things I took for granted before falling pregnant just in case you happen to be among the one in a few thousand couples whose pregnancy timelines fall in line with the will of the gods and you somehow convince yourself that you 'planned' for it:

a. Coffee- Watched 'George of the Jungle'? When he goes to New York for the first time and discovers Coffee? Yes! do that! Munch those coffee beans to the max cause once your preggo, NO MORE CAFFEINE! Utter Sadness
b. Sleeping/Lying on your belly- I'm tearing up as I write this...simply because.
c. Breathing like a normal person- here, you become the screeching sea lion or the seal being clubbed.
d. Simply sleeping
e. Sitting.

I have also come to learn that there are things that everyone says happens in pregnancy to everyone but through my personal journey I have come to simply learn, IT AINT SO:
To be clear too, I 1000% believe this was purely God's grace in my life because whew! I needed it in bucketloads. Remember also that EVERY Woman's body is unique and no one has the same exact experience.
a. Cravings- I never had any. Save for liking spinach a bit more than before and that was probably due to an Iron deficiency in my last trimester OR maybe it was this goat I saw some time eating some and I felt jealous, I Don't Know; I just need my spinach.
b. Major weight gain- Does not happen to everyone.
c. Swollen feet- Nope, Never.
d. Hormonal Imbalance- I have never not once had a mood swing . Yes, it is possible. I have been ok thus far emotions wise...haven't thrown any tantrums yet or slashed anyone's tires.YET..
e. Cramps- These were what I experienced :( My Uterus was literally punishing me , I was in a torture dungeon. At some points, I actually thought the worst had come, yes it was that bad. Multiple days at a time. Every. Single. Day. especially in the first 3 months. This is something none of the people I know who have had babies ever experienced.
f. Vomiting as part of Morning Sickness-Not once have i ever thrown up. Which in my case i think was much far worse than had I just barfed. The Nausea though-eek! I'm about to be liberated- Hallelujur!
g. Stretch Marks- Hydrate and Moisturise that skin like your life depends on it. Though this is also dependent on genes-high chance that if your Moms had them, so will you. Embrace those tigress stripes!!
h. Large Belly- Especially with that first pregnancy. My belly popped at 8 Months. I wore the same clothes I was wearing pre-pregnancy up until then.
Like I said- God's grace.

I have spinach to pan fry at 10 in the morning.

Ciao!

Me and Mine.

WORLD’S GREATEST 'OH SH*T!'

MY LOVE,

I must confess you really did sneak up on me.

That fateful day in May, I had just come from shooting a flick (In Mother Tongue might I add-street cred things). I sat on my bedroom floor and sighed. I stared and sighed, sighed and stared some more. I waited…nope, nothing. It’s not changing. Well there goes my life! (Mediocre and dramatic; I know!) I sent a text “I. AM. EFFED!” With an attachment and stared at the phone. It lit up and rang…here goes nothing!

I was under so much medication; chronic colitis management medication, painkillers, blood clotting factor medication, hydroxychloroquine, steroids, etc. I mean, I was basically a walking drug store. A good looking walking drug store :D *focus Nyandia! FOCUS!* so it was next to impossible. Even my doctors said it. A Miracle? A Thaumaturgy? 

It was +.

Regardless of the situation of your relationship, regardless of how secure in it you are and how secure you are in your partner, the fear creeps in; this fear of the unknown. You look at your parents and psychoanalyze, you look at your friends with kids and also psychoanalyze then you for sure know you’re doomed. lol

In that moment, and uncountable others like it, you doubt yourself; regardless of the fact that if you believe in destiny, every moment in your past life has been preparing you for this. So you perspire and you try and cry. No tears, the shock wouldn’t allow me. When I could finally cry, I cried for days- mainly because I was scared of what the medicine could have done to you. The doctor mentioned there was a chance I’d lose you but even in the numbness, I prayed against that and in my heart I knew we were chosen for each other.

25 years old turning 26 and I still cared about what people would think of me, how society would castigate me. Funny thing, the week before, I had just asked to serve in church and had been assigned a position. Down the drain that went! I wasn’t even scared of my family, I was scared of strangers’ opinions mainly due to the stigma I have seen others in my position face- moment of weakness but never again.

For a moment there I forgot whose child I was, I forgot whose creation I was and I forgot just how many hurdles and hoops I had successfully jumped before.

Slowly, I snapped out of it.

Now, when i watch a flick and a section with a baby comes up, my heart skips a beat and I get the snuffles. Your highness feels it too and nudges me with a kick- then I know we are in perfect sync.

I wake up in the morning-same nudge and I say hello and have a chat, it’s the last thing I do before I sleep as well.

When I am feeling low, the fuss in my belly is real and I know that your highness needs me to be mentally and emotionally stable for both of us and I’m not alone at that moment, or ever again for that matter.

Every evening for about 15 minutes, I sit and watch you play; sometimes I record and others I don’t because I am engrossed in the moment.

Intimately, more than ever I have come to know myself as a woman, a believer and my Mother’s daughter. And I love every bit of me!

So here we are, 35 weeks in…I’ll be seeing you in a few and I can’t wait to kiss your large cheeks and play with your unusually light feet ( ;) HE- my partner in shock and other situations knows what this is about) and feed you and smell you and love on you all day long.

I am so EXCITED!!! And I know you feel it too.

For now, bake well my darling and feel the love around you because that’s in fullness. 

You are loved more than you can ever and will ever comprehend.

Yours,

Ama.

WHY SHIT HAPPENS…

“He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that the line is actually circular.” 

― Scott Lynch, The Republic of Thieves

Loves,

Shit happens. A Lot. Sometimes too much. But the attitude to actually put it in this context of ‘Oh well, shit happens’, is what will help you through it mostly.

Everyone who reads my blog knows I was forced to resign from my job in August 2014, lost my house, had to sell some of my stuff, moved back home for a couple of months, lost myself and moved 500 miles away to ‘start again’ all in the name of a boy and his promises. They also know I have a somewhat serious and expensive auto-immune illness that sometimes tries to control my life but I’m no bitch to anything let alone an illness :D  *I’m so pumped I used Vulgar language just now* , I’ve also worked different jobs here and there to survive and get my medical bills paid, most of which I ended up not getting my due diligence. I’ve been assaulted, used and abused in ways that would make you cringe. What you may not know is that sometime last year I received an auction letter.

I KNOW! SHIT HAPPENS.

Now, for about a year and change, I sat and pouted and asked why. I lingered in the reasons why it had to happen. Most of my family said I must’ve done something to wrong God (Mind you I was celibate), others said my undoing was my own doing. I thank God for these people btw because they gave me drive like I hadn’t had before. I was now a girl on a mission! Prove each and every one wrong. I need to mention for one that God doesn’t work like that. God isn’t mediocre and he will never lead you where his grace will not reach. I should also mention that what he begun, he sustains. No doubt.

To sum it up, I pretty much know the meaning of shit happens!

And then this January, I learnt total surrender. I let it go. I mean, whatever happens, happens. My Lord! I felt light. I felt so good, still do. Life is nobody’s grandmother is what I say. Life is going to happen with or without you, with or without your wanting it to, with or without your protests and angry revulsions. Don’t however mistake total surrender for ‘I don’t care anymore’. Because I do care, a lot. Now, when I’m in a storm, instead of screaming at the skies and jumping ship, I simply put my swimming skills to the test. I go with it instead of fighting it out. Too much energy is wasted in fighting storms yet most of the time, that storm changes your course to the place where you actually needed to go, a much safer haven than where you were sailing to.

Case and Point: MOANA! *grins like an idiot*

Shit happening is part of life. And sometimes just when you think you’re out of it, a larger shit load lands on your head. What then do you do?

Take comfort in this fact: it will all make sense. Perspective is indeed priceless. Like a wise 23 year old me once wrote, life is made up of dots and discipline is the string that connects these dots but to do this, you must patiently allow for process and also trust in the process. The process is there for a reason, you may not like the process but trust in the knowledge that with time, it will all add up.

Side Note: Since letting go, things are much much MUCH more looking up and are way better in my professional life, business, social life, love life and family, basically all round. MAJOR NEWS in two weeks BTW.

Much Love,

Nyandia.

REMEMBER THE ROUGH TIMES

Loves,

Remember when a bunch of them said everything that was happening to you was self inflicted? When you couldn’t face any humans for the fear of being asked where you had been and what you had been upto. When you couldn’t upload anything on social media because everyone else’s seemed better and more colorful: better food, better venues, better company, better gadgets, better family and friends, better everything. Remember that?

Please Remember.

Remember when they said you feigned sickness and reported you to HR? When you even got hospitalized but they claimed Munchausen? When you would spend all your money in days on medicine and couldn’t afford those office lunches and they jeered behind your back? Remember when you were the financial backbone of your family and you would use all your salary within the first week of the month and go without for the rest of the month? Remember having bread and black tea as dinner for days at a time?

Please Remember.

Remember when they all left? When you no longer could afford to pay for their meals and drinks and they were no longer interested in your company? When even your parents gossiped you to the other siblings? When the family was ashamed of you and couldn’t even notify you of ‘get togethers’ because it was too much shame for them?

Please Remember.

Remember when they claimed not to know you? When they all turned their backs on you? When they threw your CV in the nearest dustbin? Remember they had to check their calendars to fit you in? Remember?

Please Remember.

Then also remember when you learnt how to dance in the rain. Remember how being broken made you strong. Remember how now your friendship garden was easily weeded and your friendship circle made sacred once more. How wise you now are due to those times of foolishness. How empathetic you now are towards those going through rough times.

Please Remember.

Do well to remember how crouching led to you running. How heavy lifting made you beautifully toned in mind, body and soul. Remember you have lasted this long due to your tough nature. That the King always sends his strongest to fight at the front.  How your doubt led into unbreakable Faith. How God renewed every part of your being through the hard times.

Please remember how diamonds are made; through intense heat and pressures, they are transformed from mere rock.

Remember how fire purified the sacrifice.

Most importantly, remember that the teacher is always silent during the test.

Yours,

Nyandia.

To The Loners, To The Introverts, To The Closeted Extroverts, To Those Fighting Battles Nobody Knows About:

This week, my favorite musician died. Cliché I know but it hurt my soul! I am a creative and with each album Linkin Park wrote, with each note Chester Bennington hit, the air seemed lighter, the world more conquerable and life, a bit more live-able.

The resonance of this is due to a depressed childhood seeping into adolescence and my current early adulthood. Growing up is a trap people! IssaTrap!! My friend Waimiri introduced me to this type of music, soulful music when I was about 13, when I felt subconsciously I needed it the most. The fact that I had an ardent crush on him had nothing to do with my years in, near obsession with Linkin Park, Green Day, Avril Lavigne, Nickel Back, Early days Kelly Clarkson etc. :D

(Hey Waimiri *waves violently*!!!)

On a serious note:

Let’s talk depression: The feeling of severe despondency and dejection. The taboo in most African homes because: Ain’t Nobody got time for that! How dare you be depressed? How dare you have a bad day!! Until it’s too late and self-medication and apparent suicides are on the rise. Key Note: When you’re depressed, you don’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts control you.

Let’s talk Suicide: The act of intentionally causing one’s own death. The fact that anything around this topic is shunned by religion, some governments, the ‘Woke’, among many others who view it as Cowardice; the easy way out... Ugh! The Arrogance of some!

*breathe Nyandia! BREATHE!*

Anybody who reads my blogs knows why I must write about this.

There’s something that most people don’t understand and has been evident on social media this past week. By the time a depressed individual is committing suicide, they truly are in the worst pain of their lives and this, is a way to end the pain and No, it is not cowardly because they do it for us; their families, loved ones and friends. They truly believe that it will unburden those in their lives of having to deal with them and their ‘menial’ multitude of problems and issues.

They. Do. It. For. Us.

They.Do.It.For.You.

Hit Home yet?

People very close to me have tried and failed at suicide and for this, I thank God every day. I myself once did in my teen years.L What I have come to know is that those like me rarely have someone to talk to about our state of mental health and if someone raises the question on how we are doing, its often patronizing and translates into ‘Are you over it yet?’. Because of this, till date when someone asks me how I am doing, I circle it back to them so they talk about themselves because in my head it’s a disingenuous question and nobody really want to know how I’m doing in my soul of souls and what war rages within my spirit.

I am a great apologist. I was THE great apologist in my relationships and towards everyone in general because everything felt and often still feels like it’s my fault. This led to years of emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse from partners and friends. People who physically know me will tell you I probably never cry because I’m always laughing, smiling and making others Roll On The Floor Laughing but the truth is, more often than not, I’ve always been in some tiff. In a shallow, hanging by the whiff of a thread.

What keeps those like me going is finding solace in our being, in our loneliness and in our destitute. Some however, aren’t as lucky.

And for such, you can never judge, you should only learn and strive to do better, to be better. To not be ignorant or callous in real life and on social media, to have more compassion and understanding for people like me and millions of others suffering in silence; some conquering the quest and others driven over the ledge by the pain of depression or any other form of mental illness: addiction included. Less of an attitude, god complex and ignorance and more of Love, Respect and Educating yourself.

The truth is, if most of you were handed the lives some of us have had to live, you wouldn’t last a mile on your feet. #HumbleBrag?

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.