This week, my favorite musician died. Cliché I know but it
hurt my soul! I am a creative and with each album Linkin Park wrote, with each
note Chester Bennington hit, the air seemed lighter, the world more conquerable
and life, a bit more live-able.
The resonance of this is due to a depressed childhood
seeping into adolescence and my current early adulthood. Growing up is a trap
people! IssaTrap!! My friend Waimiri introduced me to this type of music,
soulful music when I was about 13, when I felt subconsciously I needed it the
most. The fact that I had an ardent crush on him had nothing to do with my
years in, near obsession with Linkin Park, Green Day, Avril Lavigne, Nickel
Back, Early days Kelly Clarkson etc. :D
(Hey Waimiri *waves violently*!!!)
On a serious note:
Let’s talk depression: The feeling of severe despondency and
dejection. The taboo in most African homes because: Ain’t Nobody got time for
that! How dare you be depressed? How dare you have a bad day!! Until it’s too
late and self-medication and apparent suicides are on the rise. Key Note: When
you’re depressed, you don’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts control you.
Let’s talk Suicide: The act of intentionally causing one’s
own death. The fact that anything around this topic is shunned by religion,
some governments, the ‘Woke’, among many others who view it as Cowardice; the
easy way out... Ugh! The Arrogance of some!
*breathe Nyandia! BREATHE!*
Anybody who reads my blogs knows why I must write about
this.
There’s something that most people don’t understand and has
been evident on social media this past week. By the time a depressed individual
is committing suicide, they truly are in the worst pain of their lives and
this, is a way to end the pain and No, it is not cowardly because they do it
for us; their families, loved ones and friends. They truly believe that it will
unburden those in their lives of having to deal with them and their ‘menial’
multitude of problems and issues.
They. Do. It. For. Us.
They.Do.It.For.You.
Hit Home yet?
People very close to me have tried and failed at suicide and
for this, I thank God every day. I myself once did in my teen years.L
What I have come to know is that those like me rarely have someone to talk to
about our state of mental health and if someone raises the question on how we
are doing, its often patronizing and translates into ‘Are you over it yet?’. Because
of this, till date when someone asks me how I am doing, I circle it back to
them so they talk about themselves because in my head it’s a disingenuous
question and nobody really want to know how I’m doing in my soul of souls and
what war rages within my spirit.
I am a great apologist. I was THE great apologist in my
relationships and towards everyone in general because everything felt and often
still feels like it’s my fault. This led to years of emotional, psychological
and sometimes physical abuse from partners and friends. People who physically
know me will tell you I probably never cry because I’m always laughing, smiling
and making others Roll On The Floor Laughing but the truth is, more often than
not, I’ve always been in some tiff. In a shallow, hanging by the whiff of a
thread.
What keeps those like me going is finding solace in our
being, in our loneliness and in our destitute. Some however, aren’t as lucky.
And for such, you can never judge, you should only learn and
strive to do better, to be better. To not be ignorant or callous in real life
and on social media, to have more compassion and understanding for people like
me and millions of others suffering in silence; some conquering the quest and
others driven over the ledge by the pain of depression or any other form of
mental illness: addiction included. Less of an attitude, god complex and
ignorance and more of Love, Respect and Educating yourself.
The truth is, if most of you were handed the lives some of
us have had to live, you wouldn’t last a mile on your feet. #HumbleBrag?
Blessings and Love,
Nyandia.
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