Friday, December 30, 2016

A FAMILY CHRISTMAS MIRACLE



Dear Diary,
 
This is one of Mom’s family experience.

My Mom has always told us about her brother who went missing in the late 80s, early 90s. For years, she and her family have cried and prayed for his return, it has been heartbreaking for them those past decades especially for my Grandma. News did come and go, his spotting here and there. Nothing concrete except the two neutral unspoken factors: His alcoholism and Mombasa; the Kenyan coastal Island of sin. 

When I was about 6 or so years of age, a man visited our then home in Gatitu, Nyeri and introduced himself as Uncle Kariuki, Mom’s Brother. Only the househelp, my elder brother and I were present. He spent the day with us buying us snacks and loads of sodas (I never forgot the soda as it was something we couldn't afford easily growing up) and though we didn’t know him, he had a calmness and ease about him. We couldn’t wait for Mom to come home from work that evening to break the news to her. (He left that afternoon so Mom didn’t get the chance to even look at him). She cried so much as she tried to wrap her head around the happenings. This was back in mid or late 90s so phones weren’t a ‘thing’ yet. She hadn’t seen or heard from him in almost 2 decades and he had just visited her children and was up and gone with the wind again.

Fast forward 2014 my Mom’s eldest brother found my lost Uncle again, in a stupor near dead episode of alcoholism. He took him to his house in Meru and nursed him back to health, they (siblings) had a family re-union where everyone went to Meru and finally, they raised enough cash to have him admitted into a rehabilitation center. This was the first time my Grandma had seen her son in about 30 years I believe! Imagine that.

A few weeks in, he fell off the wagon and left again, didn’t tell a soul. The anguish, the pain, the heartbreak…All over again. His phone went un-answered for months. Now in 2016 around September, he travelled to Meru to my Uncle’s home, to apologize and ask for forgiveness from his elder brother. He’s been at my Cucu’s (Grandma’s) place a couple of times since and this December, he brought his 18 year old son with.

People speak of no God, or a God that never answers. But my family’s testimony and awaited 3+ decade prayer finally got a response.
God does have a plan. One we may never understand, one in which we may bleed, but one with Hope and a Purpose.

Don’t give up, especially in Prayer.
He’s forever listening and his timing is perfect.
Trust the process. It is one of greatness.

This was a writing on a cellar wall In Cologne, Germany during the holocaust,
‘I Believe in the Sun even when it is not shining,
I Believe in Love even when I cannot feel it,
I Believe in God even when he is silent.’

Love,

Nyandia.

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

MARRIAGE ---- XXX??



Is it for me? 
Well....

For years, I have hated and loathed this institution. Unashamedly so I must say. I have seen what it has done to us, to my family, to us the children. The way, it has scarred us and psychologically damaged us. Oh and my parents. God knows.

Do they hate each other? I don’t know really. Maybe? All I know is that there is a very thin line between love and hate, that you can hate someone equally in measure with the same passion you love/d them. And I think that’s where they are. That’s where they have been for a while, for more than 2 decades actually.
I wish I could write my emotions and feelings out. But I cant. Not that I wont, I just cant. I cant find the words to express myself. Its one of those things. Its hurt. Its anger. Its despair. Its hopelessness. Its helplessness. Its sadness. To the core of my soul and mind. 

The arguments and insults. The hours and hours of cursing and screaming and disrespect. The cheating and the lying. The lack of communication. The allegations. The pushing of each other and us to the very edge of the cliff. The threats. The religion. The anger and frustration. The alcohol.
We have lived with it since I was born as much as I know and even probably longer they have been dealing with this.

It may get worse. I mean, it has only gotten worse with the years. Why they wont leave each other be, I don’t know, beats me. No love lost there certainly. I feel horrible for saying that but it seems that way and has seemed that way for decades.

 Its sad that our pragmatic African beliefs can condemn two people to a life of unhappiness rather than separate definitely happier lives. Unbelievable that religion condemns separation and divorce; or so we are taught, that its sin. Sardonic that society judges divorce as failure instead of viewing it as a weirdly packaged gift of an option.

I will leave this here, after hours of heartache from another episode. But before my ulcer kicks in, I pray that I do better because after all, one can never judge shoes they have never fit in .

Love,

Nyandia.


Thursday, May 26, 2016

I am.

Loves, 

I wrote this about three weeks ago while in tears and pain, before I moved back home. I wrote this from the bottom of my heart but couldn't bring myself to post. I wrote this for anyone going through a season filled with teaching and a lot of lack. I wrote this because I know it's darkest before dawn. 

Who am I?

I find myself asking the very same question. To me,

I'm the techie, the computer engineer.

I am the girl who lives her life openly through a blog.

I am the girl who graduated top of her class at 21.

I am the girl who rarely ever drinks and doesnt do drugs.

I am nearly everyone's go to guy. Does that make me a doormat? Hmmm I wonder. Am I a doormat?

I am the introvert.

The tshirt and jeans girl.

I am the girl next door.

I am a model and I am a beauty queen.

I am huge on philanthropy and social work.

I am everyone's helping hand. Yet my Mom asks why I never seem to help myself. Hmmm I wonder.

I am currently habitating on someone's kitchen cum living room floor.

I am the girl with very little to her name.

I am also the girl who sometimes goes without food due to lack.

I am the girl with Kenya fortune 500 company's CEOs numbers on speed dial.

Yet I am the girl who never seems to be able to get help for herself. Why? Boundaries? Limits? Faith? Religion? Hmmm

I am a stupid nice girl

I am the sarcastic and hilarious girl who keeps everyone but herself happy.

I am the girl who wears the most beautiful smile to mask unimaginable pain inside of her.

I am a survivor of physical, psychological, mental, sexual and emotional abuse.

I am the stone they threw away.

I am the one they laughed at and spat on.

I am the girl who cries herself to sleep every other night.

I am the girl with the unknown Connective Tissue Disorder.

The girl who has fortnightly visits with her doctor to update the medication and frequent hospitalizations

I am the girl who hasn't gone a day without medication for the past 5 years.

I am the girl writing this testament

Because

All that is changing soon.

I am the girl about to have a new testament.

About to rise from the ashes;

I am the girl who will be the one to watch.

This girl says:

Watch this space.

It is always darkest before dawn.

I am,

Nyandia.