MY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR WISH

Dear Diary,

I really don’t know what wealth looks or feels like but I know I’d never want to be like most of the filthy rich people I’ve had the misfortune of meeting.

I took a few months off blogging; because of so much that was happening in my life and I wasn’t yet ready to share, some of it I still am not. But I will, it’s a world of joy and lessons out here for a girl in my shoes.

LESSON 1:

Two or so months  ago I was on my usual contract hunting with some of my powerful ‘friends’ who had promised me one at a private residence. I’d been stringing along to social calls with them and a few others and we were getting somewhere. I badly needed the job cause, money.  For that, I had to take some very uncouth conversation, sentiments and remarks from the fold of them. Knowing that he had been around with some girls I know; some even friends, I was cautiously walking the fine line because he had made known to me and others his intentions with me, nay with my body.

Cut a long story short (for another day though), after my relentless efforts to ensure that he knew I wasn’t interested sexually, he told me to my face that I would never get anywhere without ‘sponsors’ and that that was the actual reason nobody with power and influence was helping me with my projects. That I lacked compromise. Burning red hot with my ears steaming, I exchanged words with him and asked him to see me in 5 years, and I’ll still be without a sponsor. I didn't get the job duh

LESSON 2:

Fast forward to this week. The bae took me to one of his extended family member’s new home in an extremely plush hood. Wait, it’s not even a hood. I was there for an hour or so, didn’t touch anything and even sat outside on the manicured lawn to take it all in. Hours later, Calls come in asking why he had taken me there and this, that and the other. Mind you, the house had at least 7 other visitors who are staying there as the family tours but me! Oh Lord Forbid!

I don’t mean to jump into conclusions but there has been a series of events; disrespectful ungodly and cowardly events that have led to the conclusions: 1. I am not of their social-class lmao whatever that means and 2. We are different nationalities lol xenophobia in my own country

My wish this Christmas:

1. BE HUMANE: if you can’t be nice just give people the benefit of the doubt. Let them prove you wrong.
2. When you have more than you need, build a bigger table not a higher fence

It doesn't hurt to be nice and if it does, in the end it will all be worth it. 

Love,

Nyandia.

KNOW YOUR WORTH: UNDERSTANDING YOUR VALUE THROUGH YOUR HUNGER

We've all been there: through the disrespect, the pain, the victimization, the bullying. We always tend to look for a deeper reason behind it while in all truth, the common denominator is YOU.

You allow people to treat you the way they do. Your energy, confidence and attitude is the currency that others will transact with. I know loads of people who have settled for less, simply "accepted" cards dealt because deep inside, they don't believe they deserve more OR maybe they do, but never amass the strength to go for what they really want, need and deserve.

In my 23.8 years (shit! I’m getting old), I've created my destiny within my career, friendships and community. I have painfully learnt to let go of that which simply doesn’t build me or make me happy. I have learnt to not sweat the small stuff. I have also learnt to appreciate the different types of situations and people that there are and trust me, I have met a loadful. I have learnt to keep my inner circle sacred in each and every step of life.

Mine is a case of throwing a vodka party with the lemons and not making lemonade.

At the Workplace:

This was the most painful of all. The jobs I’ve lost and have had to resign due to disrespect and being picked on constantly. I’ve had those in senior management insult me due to my age and gender: both men and women. Simply as they can’t figure out why and how I get up the ladder so fast, or why someone very senior chose to believe in me and gave me a shot or how and why I happen to be very ambitious yet I am just a girl. More than once, I’ve had involuntary tears fall in front of my juniors or peers after someone senior found it necessary to exercise their power and humiliate and insult me. It took a while but I drew the line. You cannot pay me enough to address my body in front of fellow workers or even to me, you cannot pay me enough to scream at me, hurling insults. It is not worth it and this means a lot coming from a member of a major entrepreneurial community.

Jesus didn’t get crucified for this nonsense.

In Relationships (personal and public)

I've tolerated men and women: friends and lovers who don't appreciate me, who don't value my heart, who take and take -- I've allowed people to not treat me as I'm worth. This is all a matter of self-esteem and my sense of self-worth in the realm of being a woman and a friend. I've made excuses, justified even for them. I’ve been physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally and psychologically abused and eagerly re-entered the game of push and pull with people who clearly don't really value me much at all. And in the end it just chipped away the low self-esteem that got me there in the first place even more.

It took me years of being hungry for love and someone to give a crap, even desperate for it at times, heart aches, heart tramples, misuse, obsessing, infatuating, idealizing, you name it, for me to finally wake up and realize that my most important relationship is the one with myself.

I've learned to embrace self-love.

It took me a health condition, my family's tears and being hospitalized enough times to learn that I mattered more than even the very cheque I was chasing. I may not have been the most vocal and talked back but I learnt my worth and what I brought to the table. I have learnt through pain, tears and blood.

In the words of Sima Kumar, "Be the gatekeeper." Your body is a temple. Your mind is sacred. Be selective. Respect your entire being and be respected. Love yourself and be loved.

Know your value and don't accept being treated in a way less than you deserve. Now, I don't mean to start going out there with unrealistic expectations, demands and a sense of entitlement. I am saying that you deserve to be treated the way you treat others, and vice versa. The minute you negotiate your self-worth and accept less, you say to the universe that you don't deserve any better, and the vicious cycle/pattern begins. 

Above all, know that someone out there who probably hasn’t even met you yet, loves you above and beyond and wishes you nothing but everything you deserve.

Love,

Nyandia.

The Street Boy

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, Christian and I met a boy. (Yes Christian and I decided to grow up and work things out) A Boy. This Boy touched our hearts and souls in more ways than I can possibly explain.

This Boy is a Street boy.

Driving past Jamia mosque in town; which is a favorite of the disadvantaged especially the street families due to the giving nature of the Muslim especially after prayer, Christian parked and started talking to this 10 or 11 year old boy who came at us kindly asking for a few coins to purchase a meal. Christian, whose father is a bishop often has the tendency of talking to strangers and conversing with people most cannot even imagine approaching.-One of the traits I so love about him

The boy explained how his parents passed away and he was left under his Aunt’s care…well, depends on an individual’s definition of care. The Aunt beats him physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically. The poor boy is scarred. My heart drops. This individual has 4 children and a husband. Every morning at 4 a.m. the boy wakes up, makes his way to the local river and fetches water to clean the previous night’s dishes, make everyone’s breakfast and prepare all their baths. After this is done, he may or may not get a beating and is sent off to join the others at school.

The poor boy is from Eldoret. Miles and miles away from Nairobi.

Once at school, two things will definitely happen: He gets a beating for being late OR he is sent back home and can only return with a guardian. The latter is worse as he finds his Aunt already off to work and the same for his boda-boda business uncle. The poor angel doesn’t know the name of the Auntie, only the Uncle’s surname.

How he ended up in Nairobi?

His friends pressured him and he gave in. Friends like himself, the only people he can possibly relate to. He figured, anything is better than living under the wicked witch. Right? Right? So they began the treck, from Eldoret to Nairobi (almost 300 Miles) often begging for lifts on the way. Once in the city, his friends scattered. They already had experience of the City Street life and he probably was a burden to them.

The boy wished to go home. Yes, he has learnt that anything is better than the Nairobi street life. Even living under the witch! It’s tougher here. He sleeps at a street corner if the building askari will let him which happens rarely. Other times, under the Ngara roundabout. The issue of Kanju chasing them is a constant and the cold and lack of basic needs haunt his gnawing stomach day in-day out. Need I go on?

After this conversation, we gave him something so he could buy some food.

My heart bled for this young soul; For people like his Aunt who take advantage of other’s misfortunes, for the thousands of kids who are abused every day, for the kind of his Uncle who never say a word despite everything, for the people with the ability to help but can't and won't because well, it is none of their business and they are too absorbed in their own lives.

Want to know why I pray to God for wealth and riches? It is so I can help others. I know how it feels, what it means to lack a meal, to wear near-tatters to school and at home, to drag a shoe sole with your foot. I know the feeling of being abused and unwanted. I know the meaning of ‘Victim’.

For this, I look to change my world and touch the hearts of as many people as I can. For this, God has to bless me, so I can bless others.

Next time you’re on the street and its member comes up to you, don’t hear them…listen to them. Open the ears of your heart and listen.

Next time you’re off to lunch, take a street child with you and show them they matter, show them you care. After all, good people still exist.

Love,

Nyandia.

IT CONTINUES…

Dear Diary,

It has been a while. I have neglected you: Not because of much but because I lacked the words to explain a lot of what was and still is happening to me and A LOT has changed since we last spoke. For Instance, I lost my best friend. Turns out people do change, especially when things and circumstances aren’t in their favor at all. I got myself into a situation which I’m still struggling with and my former bestie did all in their favor and power to use this situation in their favor.

I wish I could divulge in detail, I really wish I could. But I think I’ll soon be seeing a shrink. This past month has seen me experience life through so many eyes: Of the so called righteous, of the godly, of the hurt, of the know-it-alls, of the victim, of the fake friends. I have seen betrayal like I have never before, I have known hurt like almost never before, I have known fear like never before. I have been mentally, psychologically, emotionally and physically abused and there’s not much I can do about it. One day, the great reveal shall unveil.

As you probably, may or may not know, I got a new job: just a short term contract to keep me busy as I get some capital to drive my newly-registered company (which I  no longer am sure of being an co-owner as the ex-bff claimed and threatened to take everything I had since we are co-owners) man! Too much drama. I am currently dealing with people who I can’t understand in any way, I’m always anxious and in fear of consequences to anything. In this case, the consequences are verbal and physical abuse.

I almost forgot, oh yeah my parents received a call each asking for my hand in marriage. I should be exhilarating in all mannerisms and sorts of joy but why am I not? I no longer understand and comprehend my own emotions. i am everywhere but nowhere at the same time. I wake up every morning and pray for strength almost every minute of the day and as I write this, I’m on a hospital bed because I finally crashed. Yup, like my HP G6 once did. I have no idea what ‘Friend’ means anymore. No idea what ‘I Love You’ means anymore. No idea what ‘Relationship’ means anymore. So I everyday place it in God’s hands and pray for the Holy Spirit’s strength to find a solution and do what is best for me and my health.

Catch you soon! I Hope it will be of demented laughs and joys, of forgotten pains and healing wounds. Of nothing but abrasions.

Love,

Nyandia.

TIME TO GET A RASTAFARI FRIEND

I think, nay I believe that each and every one of needs a friend who smokes weed. Yes, I said it!! I mean, have you seen how these people are? And not the shadiest of the ‘fake Rastafari’ but the real thing? They’re like probably the most peaceful, most contented people on earth well, next to the monks.

I have one. And Jesus knows the guy keeps me in check on most things in life. He keeps me in check of what matters: the small little things and details in life that matter. Reminds me to live life as much as I want to work too hard and make a dollar, to laugh at the silliest of things even those that seem non-prudent, to basically LIVE.

I look at his life and others like he and they probably are the most hardworking people I know, the peeps can hustle Jesus!! But theirs is a clean hustle, and are the calmest souls I know. They don’t argue, they don’t scream or shout or any of those Harlem behaviors. They believe in Karma and letting her have her way with you. They believe in God fighting their battles and acknowledging that all that happens is his will and in the end it shall be well. They live on the virtue of ‘Do unto others as you’d like them to do unto you’

They really are fun people to sit and listen in on, especially during one of their ‘sessions’ lol this is their ‘Yoga’ they dig deep, at least that’s what they call it and it seems. To us, who are not in session, this normally seems like some crude joke but really come to think of it, a lot of things and facts on life come up as they partake of the holy herb through the ‘puff’.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to campaign for the ‘Holy Herb’ tsk, just to write facts on what I have seen for myself. Yes? Oh, almost forgot, a friend of mine flew in for a wedding. They were a bit late and weren’t there when some announcements were made including one that was very important as you’ll read. Due to the pangs of hunger they were facing, after a while during the reception they went straight for one of the cakes placed on platters in the room. And they had their share. He woke up a day later in hospital oblivious of what had happened the previous night. Poor guy had ingested too much of the ‘Happy Cake’. Yes, that exists. It had earlier on been announced that there was a happy cake and people should be wary when partaking and be keen on amounts. LOL the lesson here from the doctor’s mouth was: ‘Fangi diri yooraga mundu’ lol in mothertoungue. Which translates to ‘Bhang never killed anyone’

Hilarious, Yes? Don’t think so? Oh well, I don’t care.

Love and Humor,

Nyandia.

15 things all Bad Ass Alpha Women are doing differently from other women.

Ola!!

Been a while, yes? mmhmm tell me about it! so, as i've been working on getting my sh*t together, i have been doing constant reads; both fictional and reality. After all, one can learn a lot from anything literally; perception is all.

I came across this read on thoughtcatlog and hence i share..to all my girls, to all women, time to liberate yourselves from all that stereotypical nonsense in the name of culture and mannerisms and 'this is how women are supposed to be' , the time to live is here girls!! 

HERE GOES:

There’s a quote by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich that states: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” It’s a often posted on Pinterest boards and slapped onto cards with women in 1920s-fashion kicking up their heels in unison. But for me, this sentiment is more than encouragement to go on a girls trip and go wild; it’s a celebration of women who choose to be defined by their courage, bravery and decisions to go after the life they want to live instead of being confined by “appropriateness.” Call them bold, fearless, or powerful, these are women who light up a room with their magnetic energy. They intimidate the close-minded and inspire those who have long hungered for tangible proof that they, too, will serve themselves well by igniting their passions and relishing in their independence. I know a few of them very well and they have changed my life (and helped me to unleash my own inner badass). Here are fifteen things alpha-women do differently:

1. They cultivate a life they actually enjoy living:

Whether they’re single, coupled or in that complicated gray area, they commit to creating and living a life they love. While they may not feel 100% comfortable initially, they push themselves to take the class, book the ticket, try the restaurant and understand that life won’t wait for them if they’re choosing to wait for a specific someone to enjoy it with.

2. They make their move.

Whether it’s walking up to a stranger and saying hello, putting in an offer for an apartment they want or asking their boss for more responsibility, bold women would rather risk hearing “no” than sit on the sidelines and hope someone else will bring them the opportunity they desire.

3. They don’t put themselves down.

Very few men and women walk this earth feeling one hundred percent happy with their looks and life one hundred percent of the time. But fearless alpha women accept the fact that there will always be someone younger, smarter and thinner than they are and don’t stress it because, well, that’s not the point. These women know they’re not defined by any one attribute (and certainly not by something as small as a few dimples on their backside.) They know they’re a whole package and that package is so f*cking awesome it demands to be spoken about with respect.

4. They don’t need a boyfriend but they’re open to having a partner.

In a world that treats singledom as a disease that needs to be treated, it’s refreshing to meet a woman who’s not only OK being on her own but unwilling to compromise the time she spends with friends, on her career, or enjoying hobbies just to have any old someone in her life. Fearless women aren’t looking for a savior, a benefactor or boy toy. In fact, they are not even looking. The bold and fearless women is, however, excited when she meets a man who understands her, accepts her, respects her, respects himself and is looking in the same direction as she is.

5. They don’t waste time wishing.

We all have situations we wish would have gone differently but a bold woman knows that the only thing the past can do for her is serve as a lesson in how to do better for herself here in the now.

6. They call people out.

They aren’t the type of women who will sit silently in front of someone feeling disrespected or violated and then cry about it over cocktails. They will call those people out, set a boundary in place and move forward right then and there.

7. They know when to walk away.

They know that bending themselves backwards, forward (and backwards again) in an attempt to make something work — a friendship, a relationship, a failed decision – usually means they’re investing time and energy into something that isn’t offering respectable returns.

8. They expect FaceTime.

Witty text sessions can serve as fabulous foreplay in-between dates but spending day-after-day texting a guy you never meet? Fearless and focused women are not looking for pen-pals. Instead of spending hours replying to winky faces, these women encourage face-to-face contact because they know that any man who’s serious about them will want to see their real smile in real time.

9. They give themselves a real chance to meet someone.

Swiping right has it’s place and Match.com has made some real-life connections, but these ladies know there’s a real value in getting out into the world and having human interaction in a space that’s supportive of an introduction. They enjoy the clubs with their girlfriends but aren’t afraid to pop into a sports bar, networking event, museum opening, gallery showcase or even a trip with a carefully curated guestlist.

10. They don’t pretend they’re on an episode of “The Bachelor.”

Compete for a man’s attention and affections? You’re kidding, right?

11. They also don’t pretend they’re a Kardashian.

They aspire to be a star in reality over a reality star.

12. They see themselves as an investment.

They take pride in themselves. From their word, work ethic and reputation to their friendships, manicure and handshake, these are the women who invest in themselves without the slightest bit of apology.

13. They don’t play the victim.

They know people will do things to let them down and even screw them over — such is life. What they won’t do is re-live that scenario a million times over. They know they are in full and total control of how they react to a situation and when the going get’s tough, they learn their lesson, roll up their sleeves and get tougher.

14. They dare to go for it.

Whatever “it” is — the job, the guy, the bucket-list experience or adopting a baby on their own, these women think things through, make a plan and bring their own unique idea of happiness into fruition.

15. They would never put their lives on hold to accommodate someone else’s idea of who they should be.

Instead, they get into the driver’s seat, turn-up their favorite tunes and go in the direction of their dreams.

Liberate Thineselves!!

 Love and Affection,

Nyandia.

MY FINALLY RISING SUN.

I have been to Hell…a couple of times and yes, it is real.

But then again, I have been to heaven and it is real as well.

The previous week has been a good week. This has been something I have not said for the past four months…still actually pinched myself to believe that indeed it’s true. I have/had become so accustomed to my bad luck streak aka disasters. After losing the job; which didn’t help any better with losing my long life dream in the competition which I’d mentally prepared for years, the trip to hell begun. I so don’t wish to go there but for anyone who is going through hell, all you can do is keep walking.

Onto the better times…

Being in the kind of debacle I was in taught me so much, still is. I have learnt to ask for help, which is something I really have never done…to anyone or anything, but ask the right people. I learnt to let my friends in, as the true ones slowly came to reveal. I learnt to live life…a day at a time, no timetables because my biggest lesson has been: WE PLAN, GOD LAUGHS. I learnt to appreciate family, the power of true family and that there is a difference between family, and relatives. Family, you choose whereas relatives, are chosen for you. But my nuclear family: Parents and Siblings; were right there waiting for me to need them, something I had never considered ever in my life.

See, I have always been the go-to person. I have never been the person who goes to others. Oh how hard I’ve learnt that man is no island!

I have slowly learnt that God is still on the throne, no matter what the situation looks like. Literally. This was driven home every night my Mom would call and through tears she told me things would work out. At one time, I really wanted to stop praying; it really wasn’t working for me, or so I thought but then, what would I be left with? So every day, Morning, Noon and Night, I religiously thanked my father; even for that which I didn’t have, even for that which I knew wasn’t coming because my short-sightedness wouldn’t allow me to see any good in tomorrow. And I know he listened…still does.

I still don’t have a job. Check.

I still have to work above and beyond to pay my bills. Check.

I still have SLE. Check.

I still question why it had to be me? Nope. JK. I quit that shit.

I still have my overzealous smile? Check.

God is still on the throne? Check.

See what I mean? Lesson learnt, the hard way. But all in all, happiness is finding its way to me, the original owner. After all, attitude is everything.

Yours,

A Happy Girl,

Nyandia.