WORLD’S GREATEST 'OH SH*T!'

MY LOVE,

I must confess you really did sneak up on me.

That fateful day in May, I had just come from shooting a flick (In Mother Tongue might I add-street cred things). I sat on my bedroom floor and sighed. I stared and sighed, sighed and stared some more. I waited…nope, nothing. It’s not changing. Well there goes my life! (Mediocre and dramatic; I know!) I sent a text “I. AM. EFFED!” With an attachment and stared at the phone. It lit up and rang…here goes nothing!

I was under so much medication; chronic colitis management medication, painkillers, blood clotting factor medication, hydroxychloroquine, steroids, etc. I mean, I was basically a walking drug store. A good looking walking drug store :D *focus Nyandia! FOCUS!* so it was next to impossible. Even my doctors said it. A Miracle? A Thaumaturgy? 

It was +.

Regardless of the situation of your relationship, regardless of how secure in it you are and how secure you are in your partner, the fear creeps in; this fear of the unknown. You look at your parents and psychoanalyze, you look at your friends with kids and also psychoanalyze then you for sure know you’re doomed. lol

In that moment, and uncountable others like it, you doubt yourself; regardless of the fact that if you believe in destiny, every moment in your past life has been preparing you for this. So you perspire and you try and cry. No tears, the shock wouldn’t allow me. When I could finally cry, I cried for days- mainly because I was scared of what the medicine could have done to you. The doctor mentioned there was a chance I’d lose you but even in the numbness, I prayed against that and in my heart I knew we were chosen for each other.

25 years old turning 26 and I still cared about what people would think of me, how society would castigate me. Funny thing, the week before, I had just asked to serve in church and had been assigned a position. Down the drain that went! I wasn’t even scared of my family, I was scared of strangers’ opinions mainly due to the stigma I have seen others in my position face- moment of weakness but never again.

For a moment there I forgot whose child I was, I forgot whose creation I was and I forgot just how many hurdles and hoops I had successfully jumped before.

Slowly, I snapped out of it.

Now, when i watch a flick and a section with a baby comes up, my heart skips a beat and I get the snuffles. Your highness feels it too and nudges me with a kick- then I know we are in perfect sync.

I wake up in the morning-same nudge and I say hello and have a chat, it’s the last thing I do before I sleep as well.

When I am feeling low, the fuss in my belly is real and I know that your highness needs me to be mentally and emotionally stable for both of us and I’m not alone at that moment, or ever again for that matter.

Every evening for about 15 minutes, I sit and watch you play; sometimes I record and others I don’t because I am engrossed in the moment.

Intimately, more than ever I have come to know myself as a woman, a believer and my Mother’s daughter. And I love every bit of me!

So here we are, 35 weeks in…I’ll be seeing you in a few and I can’t wait to kiss your large cheeks and play with your unusually light feet ( ;) HE- my partner in shock and other situations knows what this is about) and feed you and smell you and love on you all day long.

I am so EXCITED!!! And I know you feel it too.

For now, bake well my darling and feel the love around you because that’s in fullness. 

You are loved more than you can ever and will ever comprehend.

Yours,

Ama.

WHY SHIT HAPPENS…

“He said that life boils down to standing in line to get shit dropped on your head. Everyone's got a place in the queue, you can't get out of it, and just when you start to congratulate yourself on surviving your dose of shit, you discover that the line is actually circular.” 

― Scott Lynch, The Republic of Thieves

Loves,

Shit happens. A Lot. Sometimes too much. But the attitude to actually put it in this context of ‘Oh well, shit happens’, is what will help you through it mostly.

Everyone who reads my blog knows I was forced to resign from my job in August 2014, lost my house, had to sell some of my stuff, moved back home for a couple of months, lost myself and moved 500 miles away to ‘start again’ all in the name of a boy and his promises. They also know I have a somewhat serious and expensive auto-immune illness that sometimes tries to control my life but I’m no bitch to anything let alone an illness :D  *I’m so pumped I used Vulgar language just now* , I’ve also worked different jobs here and there to survive and get my medical bills paid, most of which I ended up not getting my due diligence. I’ve been assaulted, used and abused in ways that would make you cringe. What you may not know is that sometime last year I received an auction letter.

I KNOW! SHIT HAPPENS.

Now, for about a year and change, I sat and pouted and asked why. I lingered in the reasons why it had to happen. Most of my family said I must’ve done something to wrong God (Mind you I was celibate), others said my undoing was my own doing. I thank God for these people btw because they gave me drive like I hadn’t had before. I was now a girl on a mission! Prove each and every one wrong. I need to mention for one that God doesn’t work like that. God isn’t mediocre and he will never lead you where his grace will not reach. I should also mention that what he begun, he sustains. No doubt.

To sum it up, I pretty much know the meaning of shit happens!

And then this January, I learnt total surrender. I let it go. I mean, whatever happens, happens. My Lord! I felt light. I felt so good, still do. Life is nobody’s grandmother is what I say. Life is going to happen with or without you, with or without your wanting it to, with or without your protests and angry revulsions. Don’t however mistake total surrender for ‘I don’t care anymore’. Because I do care, a lot. Now, when I’m in a storm, instead of screaming at the skies and jumping ship, I simply put my swimming skills to the test. I go with it instead of fighting it out. Too much energy is wasted in fighting storms yet most of the time, that storm changes your course to the place where you actually needed to go, a much safer haven than where you were sailing to.

Case and Point: MOANA! *grins like an idiot*

Shit happening is part of life. And sometimes just when you think you’re out of it, a larger shit load lands on your head. What then do you do?

Take comfort in this fact: it will all make sense. Perspective is indeed priceless. Like a wise 23 year old me once wrote, life is made up of dots and discipline is the string that connects these dots but to do this, you must patiently allow for process and also trust in the process. The process is there for a reason, you may not like the process but trust in the knowledge that with time, it will all add up.

Side Note: Since letting go, things are much much MUCH more looking up and are way better in my professional life, business, social life, love life and family, basically all round. MAJOR NEWS in two weeks BTW.

Much Love,

Nyandia.

REMEMBER THE ROUGH TIMES

Loves,

Remember when a bunch of them said everything that was happening to you was self inflicted? When you couldn’t face any humans for the fear of being asked where you had been and what you had been upto. When you couldn’t upload anything on social media because everyone else’s seemed better and more colorful: better food, better venues, better company, better gadgets, better family and friends, better everything. Remember that?

Please Remember.

Remember when they said you feigned sickness and reported you to HR? When you even got hospitalized but they claimed Munchausen? When you would spend all your money in days on medicine and couldn’t afford those office lunches and they jeered behind your back? Remember when you were the financial backbone of your family and you would use all your salary within the first week of the month and go without for the rest of the month? Remember having bread and black tea as dinner for days at a time?

Please Remember.

Remember when they all left? When you no longer could afford to pay for their meals and drinks and they were no longer interested in your company? When even your parents gossiped you to the other siblings? When the family was ashamed of you and couldn’t even notify you of ‘get togethers’ because it was too much shame for them?

Please Remember.

Remember when they claimed not to know you? When they all turned their backs on you? When they threw your CV in the nearest dustbin? Remember they had to check their calendars to fit you in? Remember?

Please Remember.

Then also remember when you learnt how to dance in the rain. Remember how being broken made you strong. Remember how now your friendship garden was easily weeded and your friendship circle made sacred once more. How wise you now are due to those times of foolishness. How empathetic you now are towards those going through rough times.

Please Remember.

Do well to remember how crouching led to you running. How heavy lifting made you beautifully toned in mind, body and soul. Remember you have lasted this long due to your tough nature. That the King always sends his strongest to fight at the front.  How your doubt led into unbreakable Faith. How God renewed every part of your being through the hard times.

Please remember how diamonds are made; through intense heat and pressures, they are transformed from mere rock.

Remember how fire purified the sacrifice.

Most importantly, remember that the teacher is always silent during the test.

Yours,

Nyandia.

To The Loners, To The Introverts, To The Closeted Extroverts, To Those Fighting Battles Nobody Knows About:

This week, my favorite musician died. Cliché I know but it hurt my soul! I am a creative and with each album Linkin Park wrote, with each note Chester Bennington hit, the air seemed lighter, the world more conquerable and life, a bit more live-able.

The resonance of this is due to a depressed childhood seeping into adolescence and my current early adulthood. Growing up is a trap people! IssaTrap!! My friend Waimiri introduced me to this type of music, soulful music when I was about 13, when I felt subconsciously I needed it the most. The fact that I had an ardent crush on him had nothing to do with my years in, near obsession with Linkin Park, Green Day, Avril Lavigne, Nickel Back, Early days Kelly Clarkson etc. :D

(Hey Waimiri *waves violently*!!!)

On a serious note:

Let’s talk depression: The feeling of severe despondency and dejection. The taboo in most African homes because: Ain’t Nobody got time for that! How dare you be depressed? How dare you have a bad day!! Until it’s too late and self-medication and apparent suicides are on the rise. Key Note: When you’re depressed, you don’t control your thoughts. Your thoughts control you.

Let’s talk Suicide: The act of intentionally causing one’s own death. The fact that anything around this topic is shunned by religion, some governments, the ‘Woke’, among many others who view it as Cowardice; the easy way out... Ugh! The Arrogance of some!

*breathe Nyandia! BREATHE!*

Anybody who reads my blogs knows why I must write about this.

There’s something that most people don’t understand and has been evident on social media this past week. By the time a depressed individual is committing suicide, they truly are in the worst pain of their lives and this, is a way to end the pain and No, it is not cowardly because they do it for us; their families, loved ones and friends. They truly believe that it will unburden those in their lives of having to deal with them and their ‘menial’ multitude of problems and issues.

They. Do. It. For. Us.

They.Do.It.For.You.

Hit Home yet?

People very close to me have tried and failed at suicide and for this, I thank God every day. I myself once did in my teen years.L What I have come to know is that those like me rarely have someone to talk to about our state of mental health and if someone raises the question on how we are doing, its often patronizing and translates into ‘Are you over it yet?’. Because of this, till date when someone asks me how I am doing, I circle it back to them so they talk about themselves because in my head it’s a disingenuous question and nobody really want to know how I’m doing in my soul of souls and what war rages within my spirit.

I am a great apologist. I was THE great apologist in my relationships and towards everyone in general because everything felt and often still feels like it’s my fault. This led to years of emotional, psychological and sometimes physical abuse from partners and friends. People who physically know me will tell you I probably never cry because I’m always laughing, smiling and making others Roll On The Floor Laughing but the truth is, more often than not, I’ve always been in some tiff. In a shallow, hanging by the whiff of a thread.

What keeps those like me going is finding solace in our being, in our loneliness and in our destitute. Some however, aren’t as lucky.

And for such, you can never judge, you should only learn and strive to do better, to be better. To not be ignorant or callous in real life and on social media, to have more compassion and understanding for people like me and millions of others suffering in silence; some conquering the quest and others driven over the ledge by the pain of depression or any other form of mental illness: addiction included. Less of an attitude, god complex and ignorance and more of Love, Respect and Educating yourself.

The truth is, if most of you were handed the lives some of us have had to live, you wouldn’t last a mile on your feet. #HumbleBrag?

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

DRIFTING?

Loves,

I am Suffering from Drift Syndrome.

Well, I am working on getting out of it but that’s where I have been though I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel now.

Drift Syndrome- when one can’t figure out why they’re doing what they’re doing or why and when they ended up in the position they’re in or have been in either professionally, emotionally, mentally. It also occurs when one DID have a plan, a course but life’s hard knocks happened or a lack of follow through loaded with bullets of procrastination then we drifted into whatever position it is we are in now.

Catch the drift? J

So, I went from being in this unhealthily codependent relationship to starting over…in every way possible. Moving 500 miles back to Nairobi, getting a new place and currently; decluttering in every way humanly possible. 

Over the past two years I have lost so much emotionally, physically, mentally, financially and psychologically than I care to admit. Above all, I had lost myself. (To the extent where I lost my style and confidence somehow) The worst part about it is, when you’re slowly losing yourself, nobody seems to bring it to your attention until it’s too late OR you’re too blind and deaf to see or hear any of it. Once you’re out of it is when everybody goes like ‘Oh we saw that coming and you were gone OR you could have done so much better, etc.’ *eye roll*

The tough part begins when you’re forced to pick your own broken pieces, mend or smelt them together and attach them back to your person, all this with your head held high. Yet sometimes, having taken all these necessary steps, you’re still lost. I however think that what makes it tough is a society that doesn’t allow for process, for you to take your time and work towards your healing: however much time it takes. (I at some point considered changing my number and taking a break from everyone and everything for about a year: yes family included) but this, is termed selfish and unacceptable. So, you sit in your bed day and night wondering where you went wrong or where it all went left and what you could have done to change the course of everything and that drives you more up the wall.

So I am painfully and slowly learning to be selfish where my peace of mind is concerned and I am majorly decluttering my life: clothes, shoes, social media existence and people. (See how that progressed quickly :D) And I’ll tell you it feels great. It’s very psychological I believe and with every batch I throw in the bin, my brain de-stresses. Now I get the whole Monk idealism of ‘less of the physical and material makes one calm’.

Yeah, that’s just an update and I welcome tips and ideas on how to deal with drift syndrome faster and better lol though I am embracing it because drifting has led me to a whole new land and self-discovery journey which though painful, I’m sure will be worth it. I might be lost but I thank God that I know myself and I know what I want in life; all I need is direction on how to get there and a hand to guide me there because truthfully, no man is an island.

Gorgeous Drifter,

Nyandia.

P.S: I have met someone new and hopefully, soon enough I’ll talk about it.

The River Never Misses The Ocean, It Always Gets There...

Loves,

This Morning I had a revelation after a prayer. Remember the book :The River and the Source? Lol neither do I... My era was Bassanio and Portia-Shakespeare.
I digress.

The river never misses the Ocean, it always gets there. I read that on my Social Media Time Line at 6:47 a.m after my prayer. Like a ton of bricks, that hit me. Hard:

1.We are all rivers.
2.We will get to our oceans.
3.What we do in the journey, is what counts.

Going through whatever I'm going through, I thought, 'But Lord, the river doesn't get abused along the way, the river doesn't give all she has' and a mental voice replied, 'Yes she does'
OMG She Fucking does. (Forgive me Jesus);

Along the way, she waters all she goes through. Along the way, her nutrients are driven to the banks hence the soil fertility at River banks (I just pictured yams and freaking arrow roots. What's wrong with me 😢) People fetch from her, She is literally, Life. We swim in her, we pee in her (don't lie ya'll do pee in large water bodies including basins) some even take dumps in her :(. In Mombasa, there's a garbage disposal area that's attached to the mouth of the ocean so, we also trash her.
See where I'm going with this?
In the Long Run, she still gets to her Ocean.

That's life.
That's MY Life.
That's YOUR life.
That's our journey.
The river: she gives and gives. And sometimes she takes. Sometimes she erodes and others she even takes lives. We all give, yes some more than others and we take as well, some more than others.
But if a river, goes through its journey through the violations and the cleansing as well, still makes it to the Ocean which is her Promised land, what about us... Humans.   We are not much different. We go through the seasons: Of Lack and Of Plenty, Of Abuse and Of Healing, Of Giving and Of Taking But with Patience and Faith and Vigilance at this Life, we shall make it to our oceans in one piece.

God is seeing us through the motions. Sometimes he intervenes and others, he doesn't. Rightfully so, as a Parent would. Our Journeys are just that. Journeys. We must never lose sight of the bigger picture. Our Promised Land. But we must also enjoy the ride and go through the motions. The motions are there for a purpose. The motions are there to bend us, making us flexible enough for this journey. God's grace, is the glue that keeps our waters together, that we don't forever lose our waterways, that we have that  bottomless faith in knowing we will, in the Long Run get to our Oceans.

Love,

Nyandia