MOST ANNOYING TRIBES IN KENYA

Oh don’t judge me! Wait till you read this first. You know? Patience is indeed a virtue. Born Kenyan, Raised Kenyan both from the village and the town point of view, I have come to notice a couple of units which really, should be what we fight against. Not the 42 individual beautiful tribes that we are made to believe are the necessary evil. Here’s a couple:

      a.      The Matatu Tribe

OH Goodness, where to begin my lamenting! From driving on the sidewalks and insulting you, the pedestrian insisting that you want to be run over, to insulting an old woman who is trying her best to cross the street as fast as her frail body can telling her to take her age elsewhere… (Whatever that means) This is the biggest tribe to be shunned on so many counts of irresponsibility, recklessness and habits that only one can perceive as ungodly. NB: Not all Matatu Drivers and Touts do this just a vast majority especially here in the City of Nairobi.

      b.      The ‘Socialites’ Tribe

When did our girls become this cheap? Become this senseless? Become this classless? When exactly did our parents let us off the leash, completely? We all know from a certain perspective that indeed we really do not have real socialites but let’s just settle on calling some random, no-so-hot, ratchet girls that. Let’s also put them on literally every paper as soon as they come asking and begging for attention. While at it, why not pay them hundreds of thousands to appear on commercials and videos? #icant

      c.       The MPigs Tribe

This is a song whose tune has been sung and continues to be sung and will still be sung as long as we never change our thoughts and begin acting and thinking as individuals instead of weird units. Truth be told, NONE of us have ever had a Parliamentarian bring them food to their house in the evening especially after following them around in the name of rallies let alone invite you to their Mansions in the suburbs for a drink of water. NONE of them ever paid your child’s fees. In fact there’s a chance that some of them have slept with your daughters, classmates and will sleep with your children just for a buck and a drink. Oh, I have your attention now? Good.

      d.      The ‘Classic105’ Lamenter’s Tribe

Oh Goodness! Aren’t those two guys great at their jobs? They rake in millions and also serious listener and caller ratings. Anyway, my issue is with most of these callers. Men and women who call in to justify infidelity. The brainwashing of so many women to acceptance of some weird accepted norm that ‘All men must cheat’, Those who call to shame their spouses, the mother of their children, that man you go home to, that woman who cleans your undies even after soiling them while in another woman’s house. Yes!! That tribe should be shunned.

      e.      The ‘Sponsor’ Tribe

Here we are again, most of the politicians and wealthy businessmen fall here. They pick these poor boys and girls from their dorms just outside campuses in sleek German machines and take them to specific known locations and hideouts. She or He is most probably 19 or 20, from the village and has never tasted alcohol, barely has money on them to buy their basic necessities and that pot-bellied warthog-faced man or woman is in her 40’s and 50’s, wealthy and bored. Whatever the situation, there’s so many things wrong with the picture. Shun these people!!

      f.        The ‘Toa-Kitu’ Tribe

 Be it Kitu Kidogo or Kitu Kikubwa. This weekend, I took a matatu to Nanyuki and on my way back to Nairobi, there were probably 10 roadblocks and on each block, the driver always shook the hand of one of the cops. We all know what was going on. In public offices, be it trying to get a passport (mind you which you’ve paid a couple thousand for) you will still be asked to part with a couple more for you to get it within a specified period. Owe unto you if you’re in urgent need.

I most probably haven’t spotted each and every of these shunned people but trust me, there will be a Part 2. For a better people, individually and as units, for a better country and its leaders, for growth as individuals and as a nation, we need to shun these tribes. Do away with them as much as we can for our sake, our children’s sake and our children’s children’s sake.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

MY IRREPARABLE RELATIONSHIP: MY REPARABLE REALITY

Guess who went home? For an Entire WEEKEND!! Uh-Huh ME!! MOI! NIE! MIMI! If you read my beginner blogs I’m sure you would get why this is a big deal for me. Strained relationships and all. My Mom and I were not always besties and I have always been that child who felt unloved and unwanted. My Dad was rarely there during my growing up as he was working out of town but still… So, if you have that strained relationship with your Mom or Dad which you feel like is irreparable, trust me IT IS.

My years have taught me that well, everything is possible it all depends on how you look at it. See My Mom had the worst possible to imagine relationship with her in-laws. My brother and I were subject to mistreatment and ignorance because of our financial situation at the time. I remember this time and not just once we would go to Grandma’s place as the extended family and when the photo session would be up, my bro and I would be asked to step aside because of how we looked and all. We were babies at the time probably less than 7 years. More than once, my Granddad would purposefully ignore introducing my Mom yet she is the wife of his eldest Son. Yeah and given that in African culture, we children are named after our grandparents, I was named after my Grandma who really really disliked my Mom and taunted her, making her marriage hell and with time, separation; My Mom took it out on me. For years.

Through the years My Mom and I had no relationship and we literally drew the line between hate and hate. I would have rather died with an issue than ask her because chances were, she would with time use it against me. It has literally taken every being of myself to forgive and try to forget by the creation of new and better memories. We probably started talking at my second year of Campus when I was diagnosed with SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematous). It was so awkward for me as to me, I never had needed help from anyone and I had learnt to stand on my own for years before but God knew I guess that I couldn’t handle the illness by myself.

Down the line I have picked up a few tips and tricks on how to repair a what would seem irreparable relationship:

1. Communicate

 I guess with time my Mom realized what she had done with me and where she had gone wrong and she would call me up to five times a day. She still does till date for the past 3 years. With time, I found myself opening up to her naturally even about who I was dating, my modelling career, my schooling, etc. And she did the same with me.

2. Forgive and Let Go

If you have a Staunch African parent as I do, you do know they actually literally never say sorry even if they accidentally shoot your foot. So as hard as it was, I learnt to slowly let go. I had never cried for years and I was the hardest soul alive *or so I thought* but immediately I opened up to the past, I could cry and pray and slowly let go of the pain as well as asking God to heal me, each tear at a time. I’m still in the process though.

3. Spend Time Together

This is the hardest according to me. In both primary and high school, whenever it was time or the day to go home, my stomach would knot itself. I hated home. I hated my life. I hated myself. When I moved out at the age of 17 to join campus and all, I refrained from going home. Too much pain, too many memories, probability of getting attacked, etc. I would probably go home once a year and only when my brothers were around. This is why I’m excited that I went home, by my own will and I even took friends to introduce to my parents.

4. Grow Up and Understand

Parenthood has no manual. I came to learn that my Mom treated me relatively the same way her Mom had. Probably even way less harsh. Our parents do the best they can, they only way they know how. As much as I may hate to admit it, I probably would not have turned out as I am were it not for those beatings and thrashings. Girls I grew up with, studied with, got pregnant and into drugs and into so many bad situations some even died but my Mom had a tight leash on me and well, here I am.

5. DON’T!

Blame, Point Fingers. It doesn’t help but only makes the situation worse. With time, you will heal.

Life if made up of dots. And somewhere in it, lies is a string. If you don’t have the patience and discipline to take time and assess each and every aspect and situation of your life, you will never be able to see that everything is connected, you may never find the string and connect each and every dot. Every single dot joins with another and another and so on.

AND PRAY. Prayer does heal. The minute I learnt to go down on my knees and release my natural pain to my supernatural God, I started healing. You, my dear reader should try it. It works!

Blessings and Prayer,

Nyandia.

WEIRD LIES THAT MEN TELL

Oh haven’t I had my share of this crap. But do note that everyone lies at one time or another and also depends on maturity levels. When you’re mature enough and you know what you’re after and what you want, you take responsibility for each and every of your actions without excuses or justifications and you do what you want knowing that for every action, there is a reaction.

 Let me hint just but a few.

v   1.    “I’ve slept with [x] ladies”

This goes both ways. Rarely will anyone ever admit to being a hoe. Simple as    that. We all feel self-conscious when asked that question and honestly that’s the past. It probably haunts either of you enough. Let the past be just that.

     2.    “I’m not like other guys”

You know the joke, I’ve come to realize that people who say they are good people, happen to be the worst; just there next to wizards and witches. Chances are if they say such, be sure there like any other penile functioning male.

     3.    “Come Over, we won’t do much; just a movie and dinner”

Oh hunny you’re going to gerrit…missionary, sideways and from the back. Don’t kid yourself insisting that ‘he’s not like the others’ Did you expect a vigil where you’ll be praising the whole night? Oh I kid! You’ll be praising alright *wink*

     4.    I hate clubs/strip clubs

Wait, what? Listen, some guys would be uncomfortable in some places but that doesn’t qualify as hatred. Primal instincts are alert as could be in this situation.

     5.    I’m on my last drink

Oh such a joke. I cannot even expound. Let me just out it this way; see the way you ladies say “I’ll be ready in five?” same concept applies to when a guy says, “I’ll be home in five”.

     6.    “I’m not looking for a relationship as per now”

Oh hunny, he’s just not that into you. And it’s ok. This happens to everyone and anyone at some point some even more than enough times.

     7.    “I really don’t want to talk about it”

This is primarily the male version of “I’m fine” pry until he opens up if you really care. Tread carefully but probe smartly and softly till he talks.

     8.    “I’ve always used a condom”

Oh yes, I also dated Albert Einstein’s son. Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Who are you kidding? I’m pretty sure that the saying of “The sweet tastes better without the wrapper” was conceived and birthed by a man.

     9.    “I’m leaving her for you”

Girls girls girls. Please don’t prove all the men out there right. NO MAN and I mean NONE WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU. Period.

     10. “I’m not into this for sex”

Yes. And I also don’t eat bacon for the taste. Exchanging orgasms will almost always cross a man’s mind when he meets you.

     11. “I swear I don’t know why she is calling me. I don’t even know her”

Hmmmm ok, so basically its Santa Claus calling to find out if you’ve been naughty? This is such I lie I can’t even. 1000% assured he knows who it is and he actually responded especially if it is you who asked about it.

Not to crucify anyone but women, we are way smarter than we give ourselves credit for. Don’t fall for shady lies but remember that we are all human and sometimes lying seems like the only way through but keep in mind, lying is always a choice just not the only choice.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

WEIRD LIES THAT WOMEN TELL

Hello Beloved!!! We all know how kind of hard it is to deal with us, we the members of Eve’s clan. Sometimes it an automatic in some of these questions we are asked and sometimes it’s just I guess to try build class. I know it makes no sense and it is quite immature but it is true. Here are some of the things women lie about:

1. “I don’t eat Mutura”

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!! Hahaha Truthfully, women are curious as should be. So trust me, we have all tasted mutura. And probably loved it, and probably even have our main mutura man.

2. “I don’t fart”

Yeah, cause we are made of rays of sunshine and rainbows huh? We have the very same stomach as men do, probably even more hard given the things we put in it when pregnant or during our periods or right before and right after. So trust me, we can also be missile experts.

3. “I only had one abortion”

I will tread so carefully here. Personally I don’t keep friends who are into creepy stuff and trust me this is waaaay up over there on top of creepy things. From what I gather, as women talk and doctors alike; nobody and I mean NOBODY ever has one abortion.  I guess it’s like murder…the first time is the hardest but pretty soon after that it becomes norm. I remember reading an article on the DN on a certain lady from a local public University. To her it was so normal that she was on her seventh abortion, apparently she would go on her lunch break at 1p.m., go to the ‘doctor’s’ and by 2p.m she’s already back in class feeling fresh and all. YUP WTF!!

4. “I’ll be ready in a Minute”

That is such a joke on itself I cannot even expound on it.

5. “I’m Fine”

She is not fine. RED ALERT!! Stay with her and hug her and don’t let go until she lets go. With time, she will open up.

6. “Go Ahead”

MISSION ABORT!! I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION!! That’s just a dare. Don’t ever ‘Go ahead’

7. “Get In Now!!”

First and foremost, I’m referring to oral sex. If you think that you’re doing it so well that she just keeps tugging you up so you can thrust into her, oh boy are you wrong! When you’re going down on her, performing cunnilingus and you’re doing it right, she WILL NOT want you to stop. Don’t kid yourself. It’s about time you perfected your culinary skills. *see what I did there*

8. “That Was Amazing”

Now, not to point fingers or anything but if you really were that good, she would both be panting and struggling to catch a breath AND/OR be crying (if she is the emotional kind). Period.

9. “I’ve slept with [x] guys”

This goes both ways. Rarely will anyone ever admit to being a hoe. Simple as that. We all feel self-conscious when asked that question and honestly that’s the past. It probably haunts either of you enough. Let the past be just that.

Just so we are clear, not all women lie same way as not all men lie. It’s probably up to you and how well you know someone. I’m also not a relationship expert or an expert on either sex but well, there’s my two cents. Hope you had a good read.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

TYPES OF DRUNKS

Now now now haven’t we all been here. For those of us who are not into The Angry German or The Butt Burner or even BlowJobs….all of which are names for cocktails *see what I did there*, we would attest to classifying each and every of our drinking pals in some drunk cult. And for those who drink, alcohol, lol yes you know where you belong…let’s see if I get some of you on spot.

1. The Happy Shrieker

See that person whose voice pitch changes after two double shots or one beer weirdly enough? Yeeeess these are they. They get into a relatively good mood and will scream, laugh, dance and piss you off with the anything and everything. Every song the DJ plays becomes ‘their jam’.

2. The Sentimental

These people life their fore finger up high when a reggae jam comes up. They get so touched by the ‘message’ and within a few minutes convert from high as a kite to a damsel in distress and start recalling of the good old times and sooner rather than later, they burst into tears and remember the ex who did them wrong and also the time their Mom called them a whore for sleeping with the Pastor’s kid.

3. The Philosophical Drunk

Once tipsy, they dig up your skeletons and throw in any and every positive Einstein, Bible and Robin Sharma quote they have ever heard or read. They are wiser then Solomon when drunk and offer any piece of advice they think of to everyone both willing and unwilling to listen.

4. The Broken Drunk

If you’re a human who gets off work, walks straight into a bar alone, sits at the counter or at a corner and orders ‘your usual’ and drowns away, you sir, are a broken drunk. You drink to wash away each and every problem and thought…for a moment and you’re fine with that. You drink because the sober alternative is just too intense to deal with. You my friend, need a shrink, a religious leader and books. I’m sorry but it’s true.

5. The Horny Horner

Oh My God! Where to start. First off, if you’ve ever had a one night stand maybe even a couple in a bar’s washroom or the backstage or just after you’ve met a guy who you shared drinks with, big chance if you’re here. If you also start removing your clothes one by one in the name of ‘Guys, it’s too hot in here’ right after your first double, you belong to this occult. ALSO if you start sexting and getting freaky when high claiming that you’re reaaaaly flexible…oh well.

6. The Violent Drunk

Haha!! This guy is always trying to prove a point the best way he knows how to: ‘Let’s take this outside’ or even ‘I’ll smash your face’. This person gets angry over a passing fly. They get pissed that the barman is that tall or that lady is eating too many peanuts. More often than not, they will get in a fight.

7. The Sloppy Drunk

Where to begin. Ever met a girl who claims she’s from Lavington Suburbs with an accent then after a few drinks she throws up githeri with carrots? Mmhmm haven’t I seen it all. These people fall all over the place and smell like a combination of a hell demon and a sewer, by 11p.m. nobody wants to be associated with them because of what they’re looking like by then.

8. The Drunk-Dialer

All 12 of your voicemails are always from this one person. ‘Oh I love you so much, you’re like a tart I want to eat you up you so cute and edible’ That’s the good side. There’s also the ‘Why the fuck did you leave me, I was so good to you. You know what, I also slept with your Step-Dad!! Uh huh!! Who’s the queen now?’ hahahaha I know I know!! But I’d never make this up.

9. The One-Drink-Wonder

After one drink “WHO’S READY TO PARRRRTTTAAAAAAAYYYY?!!” heheheh yes, the calm before the storm. Pssst You know yourselves.

10. The Professional Drunk

They.Simply.Don’t.Get.Drunk. Period. Chances are, they’re alcoholics. You’ll pass out while there still as sober as a darn judge. They have mastered the art of maintaining. I’ve probably met only one of these.

I’m sure you, my dear reader are somewhere here…leave a comment and let me know where.

Love and Sloppiness,

Nyandia.

REASONS WHY I JAV INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING LIFTS

Good People,

It’s been a while but I’M BACK?!! If you read my blogs, you know that I have a slight SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematous) issue so sometimes I tend to go off the radar and take a break from everything well, nearly everything because I’m always on twitter (@Nyandia_G) so as to ‘reboot’.

Leaving work every evening, and home every morning, I get to experience so much especially when I’m not being driven but instead opting to Jav aka Take a Matatu. The things people talk about, the responses Makangas ‘turn boys’ give, the texts I sometimes peek to see.. Are so hilarious: Let me share why jav taking is fun in itself...

      1.      THE TEXTS

a.      This one time, a chic seated in front of me started giggling hysterically and since she was holding her phone up high, I had to. I just had to. “Babe imagine nimeiba avocado apa kwa mathe wa home” was what I saw. And she responded, ‘aki nakupendea vitu kama hizo’ WTF

b.      This time I was travelling along Ngong rd. and this guy seated next to me kept shifting restlessly and I couldn’t help but get irritated. Just as I was about to ask him to kindly settle, a screaming siren in the name of a text message ringtone came to life and it was from MPESA. Since it was those huge phones, I saw the message and it read, ‘Aki baba nani si utume pesa ya watoto alafu wani unakuja saa ngapi, ushanunua CD ‘condom’ btw?’ I was in shock and couldn’t hold the laughter. I leave the rest for you to fill in the gap/s. When we got close to some place which I guessed was where he was to alight from, I saw him delete tens of messages from MPESA some of which had very dirty headers.

      2.      THE GOSSIP

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me be the one to say that both genders actually gossip alike.

A few months back some ladies seated behind me started discussing their current boyfriends, ‘Aki mimi venye mrembo unadhani anaweza nicheza mimi kweli na vile kuna machali wengi wananitamani’ So I turned to see what this was that was speaking and as I expected, it was the darkest human i had ever seen with horrible like OMG horrible nails and discolored teeth, Surely, if this is what she was bragging about in the name of beauty, may God help us all.

      3.      THE KIDS

Oh Lord!! Kids will unleash the deepest darkest secret in your life and your home. This one time a lady refused to buy sweets or something that the kid was screaming for and the kid scream out loud, ‘Nitakusema kwa Daddy uliitikia Uncle wa Duka aingie kwa bedroom alafu mkaanza kupiga nduru!!’ We all burst into sudden but expected laughter and were soon passing tissues in the matatu to wipe the tears off our faces. Got to admit, I made quite some friends off that kid’s story.

      4.      THE DRUNKS

I know this may sound ridiculous but if you really want to test the limit of your patience, sit next to a drunk man or woman in a car. I remember walking home with the Bae and this couple who had been drinking passed us while screaming some words in Kikuyu. I tried to listen and you’ll never guess what they were reciting, The Apostles Creed!! More than once, I have had some random drunk try to pay my fare and upon declining they fell into a pit of depression insisting that I undermined them and didn’t view them as human…hahaha yeah right. A few threw a fit and I had to start a weird conversation for them to believe that I had nothing against them.

This one time this guy started screaming for my number and I was so embarrassed as I didn’t even know him and my friends and some workmate were in the very same jav.

      5.      THE MAJIBU YA MAKANGA

Let me just hand you in a few:

‘Mathe hakuna stage ya Kumi, Kama ni hivyo nunua avocado upake nyuma alafu upige munywe hadi tao’ (Woman, there’s no alight stage that is charged 10Ksh else, you’d have bought an avocado, applied it on your behind and slid your way to town)

‘Usijione Mrembo sana kuna wengi warembo na bado watakufa tu’

-<Mathe trying to board with luggage>
Conda:Hii mzigo ni 20bob.
Mathe:Hii kidogo hivi unalipisha?
Conda:Nkt Hebu iweke hapa chini tuone kama itajifikisha kwenye inaenda!

-<Mat is stopped by Police>
Police:Gichana mbona wewe nabeba excess?
<Conda turns around pointing>
Conda:Nani anaitwa excess?We excess si utoke unatakikana hapa nje!

Love and Laughter,

Nyandia