TYPES OF DRUNKS

Now now now haven’t we all been here. For those of us who are not into The Angry German or The Butt Burner or even BlowJobs….all of which are names for cocktails *see what I did there*, we would attest to classifying each and every of our drinking pals in some drunk cult. And for those who drink, alcohol, lol yes you know where you belong…let’s see if I get some of you on spot.

1. The Happy Shrieker

See that person whose voice pitch changes after two double shots or one beer weirdly enough? Yeeeess these are they. They get into a relatively good mood and will scream, laugh, dance and piss you off with the anything and everything. Every song the DJ plays becomes ‘their jam’.

2. The Sentimental

These people life their fore finger up high when a reggae jam comes up. They get so touched by the ‘message’ and within a few minutes convert from high as a kite to a damsel in distress and start recalling of the good old times and sooner rather than later, they burst into tears and remember the ex who did them wrong and also the time their Mom called them a whore for sleeping with the Pastor’s kid.

3. The Philosophical Drunk

Once tipsy, they dig up your skeletons and throw in any and every positive Einstein, Bible and Robin Sharma quote they have ever heard or read. They are wiser then Solomon when drunk and offer any piece of advice they think of to everyone both willing and unwilling to listen.

4. The Broken Drunk

If you’re a human who gets off work, walks straight into a bar alone, sits at the counter or at a corner and orders ‘your usual’ and drowns away, you sir, are a broken drunk. You drink to wash away each and every problem and thought…for a moment and you’re fine with that. You drink because the sober alternative is just too intense to deal with. You my friend, need a shrink, a religious leader and books. I’m sorry but it’s true.

5. The Horny Horner

Oh My God! Where to start. First off, if you’ve ever had a one night stand maybe even a couple in a bar’s washroom or the backstage or just after you’ve met a guy who you shared drinks with, big chance if you’re here. If you also start removing your clothes one by one in the name of ‘Guys, it’s too hot in here’ right after your first double, you belong to this occult. ALSO if you start sexting and getting freaky when high claiming that you’re reaaaaly flexible…oh well.

6. The Violent Drunk

Haha!! This guy is always trying to prove a point the best way he knows how to: ‘Let’s take this outside’ or even ‘I’ll smash your face’. This person gets angry over a passing fly. They get pissed that the barman is that tall or that lady is eating too many peanuts. More often than not, they will get in a fight.

7. The Sloppy Drunk

Where to begin. Ever met a girl who claims she’s from Lavington Suburbs with an accent then after a few drinks she throws up githeri with carrots? Mmhmm haven’t I seen it all. These people fall all over the place and smell like a combination of a hell demon and a sewer, by 11p.m. nobody wants to be associated with them because of what they’re looking like by then.

8. The Drunk-Dialer

All 12 of your voicemails are always from this one person. ‘Oh I love you so much, you’re like a tart I want to eat you up you so cute and edible’ That’s the good side. There’s also the ‘Why the fuck did you leave me, I was so good to you. You know what, I also slept with your Step-Dad!! Uh huh!! Who’s the queen now?’ hahahaha I know I know!! But I’d never make this up.

9. The One-Drink-Wonder

After one drink “WHO’S READY TO PARRRRTTTAAAAAAAYYYY?!!” heheheh yes, the calm before the storm. Pssst You know yourselves.

10. The Professional Drunk

They.Simply.Don’t.Get.Drunk. Period. Chances are, they’re alcoholics. You’ll pass out while there still as sober as a darn judge. They have mastered the art of maintaining. I’ve probably met only one of these.

I’m sure you, my dear reader are somewhere here…leave a comment and let me know where.

Love and Sloppiness,

Nyandia.