REASONS WHY I JAV INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING LIFTS

Good People,

It’s been a while but I’M BACK?!! If you read my blogs, you know that I have a slight SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematous) issue so sometimes I tend to go off the radar and take a break from everything well, nearly everything because I’m always on twitter (@Nyandia_G) so as to ‘reboot’.

Leaving work every evening, and home every morning, I get to experience so much especially when I’m not being driven but instead opting to Jav aka Take a Matatu. The things people talk about, the responses Makangas ‘turn boys’ give, the texts I sometimes peek to see.. Are so hilarious: Let me share why jav taking is fun in itself...

      1.      THE TEXTS

a.      This one time, a chic seated in front of me started giggling hysterically and since she was holding her phone up high, I had to. I just had to. “Babe imagine nimeiba avocado apa kwa mathe wa home” was what I saw. And she responded, ‘aki nakupendea vitu kama hizo’ WTF

b.      This time I was travelling along Ngong rd. and this guy seated next to me kept shifting restlessly and I couldn’t help but get irritated. Just as I was about to ask him to kindly settle, a screaming siren in the name of a text message ringtone came to life and it was from MPESA. Since it was those huge phones, I saw the message and it read, ‘Aki baba nani si utume pesa ya watoto alafu wani unakuja saa ngapi, ushanunua CD ‘condom’ btw?’ I was in shock and couldn’t hold the laughter. I leave the rest for you to fill in the gap/s. When we got close to some place which I guessed was where he was to alight from, I saw him delete tens of messages from MPESA some of which had very dirty headers.

      2.      THE GOSSIP

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me be the one to say that both genders actually gossip alike.

A few months back some ladies seated behind me started discussing their current boyfriends, ‘Aki mimi venye mrembo unadhani anaweza nicheza mimi kweli na vile kuna machali wengi wananitamani’ So I turned to see what this was that was speaking and as I expected, it was the darkest human i had ever seen with horrible like OMG horrible nails and discolored teeth, Surely, if this is what she was bragging about in the name of beauty, may God help us all.

      3.      THE KIDS

Oh Lord!! Kids will unleash the deepest darkest secret in your life and your home. This one time a lady refused to buy sweets or something that the kid was screaming for and the kid scream out loud, ‘Nitakusema kwa Daddy uliitikia Uncle wa Duka aingie kwa bedroom alafu mkaanza kupiga nduru!!’ We all burst into sudden but expected laughter and were soon passing tissues in the matatu to wipe the tears off our faces. Got to admit, I made quite some friends off that kid’s story.

      4.      THE DRUNKS

I know this may sound ridiculous but if you really want to test the limit of your patience, sit next to a drunk man or woman in a car. I remember walking home with the Bae and this couple who had been drinking passed us while screaming some words in Kikuyu. I tried to listen and you’ll never guess what they were reciting, The Apostles Creed!! More than once, I have had some random drunk try to pay my fare and upon declining they fell into a pit of depression insisting that I undermined them and didn’t view them as human…hahaha yeah right. A few threw a fit and I had to start a weird conversation for them to believe that I had nothing against them.

This one time this guy started screaming for my number and I was so embarrassed as I didn’t even know him and my friends and some workmate were in the very same jav.

      5.      THE MAJIBU YA MAKANGA

Let me just hand you in a few:

‘Mathe hakuna stage ya Kumi, Kama ni hivyo nunua avocado upake nyuma alafu upige munywe hadi tao’ (Woman, there’s no alight stage that is charged 10Ksh else, you’d have bought an avocado, applied it on your behind and slid your way to town)

‘Usijione Mrembo sana kuna wengi warembo na bado watakufa tu’

-<Mathe trying to board with luggage>
Conda:Hii mzigo ni 20bob.
Mathe:Hii kidogo hivi unalipisha?
Conda:Nkt Hebu iweke hapa chini tuone kama itajifikisha kwenye inaenda!

-<Mat is stopped by Police>
Police:Gichana mbona wewe nabeba excess?
<Conda turns around pointing>
Conda:Nani anaitwa excess?We excess si utoke unatakikana hapa nje!

Love and Laughter,

Nyandia