WEIRD LIES THAT MEN TELL

Oh haven’t I had my share of this crap. But do note that everyone lies at one time or another and also depends on maturity levels. When you’re mature enough and you know what you’re after and what you want, you take responsibility for each and every of your actions without excuses or justifications and you do what you want knowing that for every action, there is a reaction.

 Let me hint just but a few.

v   1.    “I’ve slept with [x] ladies”

This goes both ways. Rarely will anyone ever admit to being a hoe. Simple as    that. We all feel self-conscious when asked that question and honestly that’s the past. It probably haunts either of you enough. Let the past be just that.

     2.    “I’m not like other guys”

You know the joke, I’ve come to realize that people who say they are good people, happen to be the worst; just there next to wizards and witches. Chances are if they say such, be sure there like any other penile functioning male.

     3.    “Come Over, we won’t do much; just a movie and dinner”

Oh hunny you’re going to gerrit…missionary, sideways and from the back. Don’t kid yourself insisting that ‘he’s not like the others’ Did you expect a vigil where you’ll be praising the whole night? Oh I kid! You’ll be praising alright *wink*

     4.    I hate clubs/strip clubs

Wait, what? Listen, some guys would be uncomfortable in some places but that doesn’t qualify as hatred. Primal instincts are alert as could be in this situation.

     5.    I’m on my last drink

Oh such a joke. I cannot even expound. Let me just out it this way; see the way you ladies say “I’ll be ready in five?” same concept applies to when a guy says, “I’ll be home in five”.

     6.    “I’m not looking for a relationship as per now”

Oh hunny, he’s just not that into you. And it’s ok. This happens to everyone and anyone at some point some even more than enough times.

     7.    “I really don’t want to talk about it”

This is primarily the male version of “I’m fine” pry until he opens up if you really care. Tread carefully but probe smartly and softly till he talks.

     8.    “I’ve always used a condom”

Oh yes, I also dated Albert Einstein’s son. Liar! Liar! Pants on fire! Who are you kidding? I’m pretty sure that the saying of “The sweet tastes better without the wrapper” was conceived and birthed by a man.

     9.    “I’m leaving her for you”

Girls girls girls. Please don’t prove all the men out there right. NO MAN and I mean NONE WILL LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU. Period.

     10. “I’m not into this for sex”

Yes. And I also don’t eat bacon for the taste. Exchanging orgasms will almost always cross a man’s mind when he meets you.

     11. “I swear I don’t know why she is calling me. I don’t even know her”

Hmmmm ok, so basically its Santa Claus calling to find out if you’ve been naughty? This is such I lie I can’t even. 1000% assured he knows who it is and he actually responded especially if it is you who asked about it.

Not to crucify anyone but women, we are way smarter than we give ourselves credit for. Don’t fall for shady lies but remember that we are all human and sometimes lying seems like the only way through but keep in mind, lying is always a choice just not the only choice.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

WEIRD LIES THAT WOMEN TELL

Hello Beloved!!! We all know how kind of hard it is to deal with us, we the members of Eve’s clan. Sometimes it an automatic in some of these questions we are asked and sometimes it’s just I guess to try build class. I know it makes no sense and it is quite immature but it is true. Here are some of the things women lie about:

1. “I don’t eat Mutura”

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!! Hahaha Truthfully, women are curious as should be. So trust me, we have all tasted mutura. And probably loved it, and probably even have our main mutura man.

2. “I don’t fart”

Yeah, cause we are made of rays of sunshine and rainbows huh? We have the very same stomach as men do, probably even more hard given the things we put in it when pregnant or during our periods or right before and right after. So trust me, we can also be missile experts.

3. “I only had one abortion”

I will tread so carefully here. Personally I don’t keep friends who are into creepy stuff and trust me this is waaaay up over there on top of creepy things. From what I gather, as women talk and doctors alike; nobody and I mean NOBODY ever has one abortion.  I guess it’s like murder…the first time is the hardest but pretty soon after that it becomes norm. I remember reading an article on the DN on a certain lady from a local public University. To her it was so normal that she was on her seventh abortion, apparently she would go on her lunch break at 1p.m., go to the ‘doctor’s’ and by 2p.m she’s already back in class feeling fresh and all. YUP WTF!!

4. “I’ll be ready in a Minute”

That is such a joke on itself I cannot even expound on it.

5. “I’m Fine”

She is not fine. RED ALERT!! Stay with her and hug her and don’t let go until she lets go. With time, she will open up.

6. “Go Ahead”

MISSION ABORT!! I REPEAT, ABORT MISSION!! That’s just a dare. Don’t ever ‘Go ahead’

7. “Get In Now!!”

First and foremost, I’m referring to oral sex. If you think that you’re doing it so well that she just keeps tugging you up so you can thrust into her, oh boy are you wrong! When you’re going down on her, performing cunnilingus and you’re doing it right, she WILL NOT want you to stop. Don’t kid yourself. It’s about time you perfected your culinary skills. *see what I did there*

8. “That Was Amazing”

Now, not to point fingers or anything but if you really were that good, she would both be panting and struggling to catch a breath AND/OR be crying (if she is the emotional kind). Period.

9. “I’ve slept with [x] guys”

This goes both ways. Rarely will anyone ever admit to being a hoe. Simple as that. We all feel self-conscious when asked that question and honestly that’s the past. It probably haunts either of you enough. Let the past be just that.

Just so we are clear, not all women lie same way as not all men lie. It’s probably up to you and how well you know someone. I’m also not a relationship expert or an expert on either sex but well, there’s my two cents. Hope you had a good read.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

TYPES OF DRUNKS

Now now now haven’t we all been here. For those of us who are not into The Angry German or The Butt Burner or even BlowJobs….all of which are names for cocktails *see what I did there*, we would attest to classifying each and every of our drinking pals in some drunk cult. And for those who drink, alcohol, lol yes you know where you belong…let’s see if I get some of you on spot.

1. The Happy Shrieker

See that person whose voice pitch changes after two double shots or one beer weirdly enough? Yeeeess these are they. They get into a relatively good mood and will scream, laugh, dance and piss you off with the anything and everything. Every song the DJ plays becomes ‘their jam’.

2. The Sentimental

These people life their fore finger up high when a reggae jam comes up. They get so touched by the ‘message’ and within a few minutes convert from high as a kite to a damsel in distress and start recalling of the good old times and sooner rather than later, they burst into tears and remember the ex who did them wrong and also the time their Mom called them a whore for sleeping with the Pastor’s kid.

3. The Philosophical Drunk

Once tipsy, they dig up your skeletons and throw in any and every positive Einstein, Bible and Robin Sharma quote they have ever heard or read. They are wiser then Solomon when drunk and offer any piece of advice they think of to everyone both willing and unwilling to listen.

4. The Broken Drunk

If you’re a human who gets off work, walks straight into a bar alone, sits at the counter or at a corner and orders ‘your usual’ and drowns away, you sir, are a broken drunk. You drink to wash away each and every problem and thought…for a moment and you’re fine with that. You drink because the sober alternative is just too intense to deal with. You my friend, need a shrink, a religious leader and books. I’m sorry but it’s true.

5. The Horny Horner

Oh My God! Where to start. First off, if you’ve ever had a one night stand maybe even a couple in a bar’s washroom or the backstage or just after you’ve met a guy who you shared drinks with, big chance if you’re here. If you also start removing your clothes one by one in the name of ‘Guys, it’s too hot in here’ right after your first double, you belong to this occult. ALSO if you start sexting and getting freaky when high claiming that you’re reaaaaly flexible…oh well.

6. The Violent Drunk

Haha!! This guy is always trying to prove a point the best way he knows how to: ‘Let’s take this outside’ or even ‘I’ll smash your face’. This person gets angry over a passing fly. They get pissed that the barman is that tall or that lady is eating too many peanuts. More often than not, they will get in a fight.

7. The Sloppy Drunk

Where to begin. Ever met a girl who claims she’s from Lavington Suburbs with an accent then after a few drinks she throws up githeri with carrots? Mmhmm haven’t I seen it all. These people fall all over the place and smell like a combination of a hell demon and a sewer, by 11p.m. nobody wants to be associated with them because of what they’re looking like by then.

8. The Drunk-Dialer

All 12 of your voicemails are always from this one person. ‘Oh I love you so much, you’re like a tart I want to eat you up you so cute and edible’ That’s the good side. There’s also the ‘Why the fuck did you leave me, I was so good to you. You know what, I also slept with your Step-Dad!! Uh huh!! Who’s the queen now?’ hahahaha I know I know!! But I’d never make this up.

9. The One-Drink-Wonder

After one drink “WHO’S READY TO PARRRRTTTAAAAAAAYYYY?!!” heheheh yes, the calm before the storm. Pssst You know yourselves.

10. The Professional Drunk

They.Simply.Don’t.Get.Drunk. Period. Chances are, they’re alcoholics. You’ll pass out while there still as sober as a darn judge. They have mastered the art of maintaining. I’ve probably met only one of these.

I’m sure you, my dear reader are somewhere here…leave a comment and let me know where.

Love and Sloppiness,

Nyandia.

REASONS WHY I JAV INSTEAD OF ACCEPTING LIFTS

Good People,

It’s been a while but I’M BACK?!! If you read my blogs, you know that I have a slight SLE (Systemic Lupus Erythematous) issue so sometimes I tend to go off the radar and take a break from everything well, nearly everything because I’m always on twitter (@Nyandia_G) so as to ‘reboot’.

Leaving work every evening, and home every morning, I get to experience so much especially when I’m not being driven but instead opting to Jav aka Take a Matatu. The things people talk about, the responses Makangas ‘turn boys’ give, the texts I sometimes peek to see.. Are so hilarious: Let me share why jav taking is fun in itself...

      1.      THE TEXTS

a.      This one time, a chic seated in front of me started giggling hysterically and since she was holding her phone up high, I had to. I just had to. “Babe imagine nimeiba avocado apa kwa mathe wa home” was what I saw. And she responded, ‘aki nakupendea vitu kama hizo’ WTF

b.      This time I was travelling along Ngong rd. and this guy seated next to me kept shifting restlessly and I couldn’t help but get irritated. Just as I was about to ask him to kindly settle, a screaming siren in the name of a text message ringtone came to life and it was from MPESA. Since it was those huge phones, I saw the message and it read, ‘Aki baba nani si utume pesa ya watoto alafu wani unakuja saa ngapi, ushanunua CD ‘condom’ btw?’ I was in shock and couldn’t hold the laughter. I leave the rest for you to fill in the gap/s. When we got close to some place which I guessed was where he was to alight from, I saw him delete tens of messages from MPESA some of which had very dirty headers.

      2.      THE GOSSIP

Ladies and Gentlemen, let me be the one to say that both genders actually gossip alike.

A few months back some ladies seated behind me started discussing their current boyfriends, ‘Aki mimi venye mrembo unadhani anaweza nicheza mimi kweli na vile kuna machali wengi wananitamani’ So I turned to see what this was that was speaking and as I expected, it was the darkest human i had ever seen with horrible like OMG horrible nails and discolored teeth, Surely, if this is what she was bragging about in the name of beauty, may God help us all.

      3.      THE KIDS

Oh Lord!! Kids will unleash the deepest darkest secret in your life and your home. This one time a lady refused to buy sweets or something that the kid was screaming for and the kid scream out loud, ‘Nitakusema kwa Daddy uliitikia Uncle wa Duka aingie kwa bedroom alafu mkaanza kupiga nduru!!’ We all burst into sudden but expected laughter and were soon passing tissues in the matatu to wipe the tears off our faces. Got to admit, I made quite some friends off that kid’s story.

      4.      THE DRUNKS

I know this may sound ridiculous but if you really want to test the limit of your patience, sit next to a drunk man or woman in a car. I remember walking home with the Bae and this couple who had been drinking passed us while screaming some words in Kikuyu. I tried to listen and you’ll never guess what they were reciting, The Apostles Creed!! More than once, I have had some random drunk try to pay my fare and upon declining they fell into a pit of depression insisting that I undermined them and didn’t view them as human…hahaha yeah right. A few threw a fit and I had to start a weird conversation for them to believe that I had nothing against them.

This one time this guy started screaming for my number and I was so embarrassed as I didn’t even know him and my friends and some workmate were in the very same jav.

      5.      THE MAJIBU YA MAKANGA

Let me just hand you in a few:

‘Mathe hakuna stage ya Kumi, Kama ni hivyo nunua avocado upake nyuma alafu upige munywe hadi tao’ (Woman, there’s no alight stage that is charged 10Ksh else, you’d have bought an avocado, applied it on your behind and slid your way to town)

‘Usijione Mrembo sana kuna wengi warembo na bado watakufa tu’

-<Mathe trying to board with luggage>
Conda:Hii mzigo ni 20bob.
Mathe:Hii kidogo hivi unalipisha?
Conda:Nkt Hebu iweke hapa chini tuone kama itajifikisha kwenye inaenda!

-<Mat is stopped by Police>
Police:Gichana mbona wewe nabeba excess?
<Conda turns around pointing>
Conda:Nani anaitwa excess?We excess si utoke unatakikana hapa nje!

Love and Laughter,

Nyandia

DAWN OF THE PLANET EVE : WOMEN ARE THE NEW MEN

It's Eid!!!! We celebrate with our Muslim Brothers and Sisters especially Kwanza because of their culinary skills. Oh don't judge me! If you think you're not blessed to have a Muslim neighbour or roomie, you kid yourself.
AAAANYWAAAAY *JoelMcHale's voice

I'm here to talk about the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. WOMEN ARE THE NEW MEN. It is a fact which we could debate about and I'd win. Here's a few reasons why it is so:

1.DRINKING

Oh yaaas! We are the new tanks in town, it's like keggers were added or incorporated in our stomachs. Basically nowadays, we have very little blood in our alcohol. (see what I did there) Women at clubs or parties or even in their homes, will be the last 'man' standing if you were to have a beer pong fight. Worse, if you were to down some chilled dry vodka. She will drain an entire Jameson 750ml then go slaughter a turkey to cook for dinner.

2. MPANGO WA KANDO AKA SIDE DISH AKA GACUNGWA

So you think men are the real sugar daddy business experts? Oh honey you have no idea what women are capable of. With all the empowerment that has been fed to them... A woman will pick a college boy from a club, drive him home after mad clubbing, fuck his shallow brains out while demanding him to do things which he probably cannot even pronounce and she, returning the favor... Then at 3:00a.m she will give him 3,000 Bob and kick his ass out without even asking for his name. Women never did this back in the day and if they did it was really chini ya maji you know.
More married women are having toyboys than anyone thinks. You see some of the chamas women go to, trips and all.... Trust me they're not much but mobile male brothel operandi. Some of the women will literally house the boy while catering to all his monetary needs, even buy him a car. Most sugar daddies are only after the cookie and are just like our politicians, full or promise and screaming crowing cocks but in reality, we have all seen the size of its pecker.

3.POWER

Back then, I remember women being less aggressive, more humble and obedient. But with titles and crazy promotions comes power and it's sad that this power gets into our heads faster then the word Ding dong. So after work, she will go home to a husband who will be asked to make dinner for the kids as she is too tired and needs to meet up with her girls as it is Wednesday (girls night out) and Lord knows that that bottle of vodka at the club won't drink itself. After all, it is her money.

4. SEX

OK ill tread carefully oh but what the heck! Men dominated the bedroom... Women loved being dominated. Don't get me wrong, some of us still do. But for most of us, tables have turned. In the name of 'keeping it kinky' men have become the new whiny bitches who want to be tied to the bed, whipped, gagged and then ridden senseless. They want fingers inserted in the ass. Since when?!?!  Abomination o! Let me let you in on a secret. When you as a man take control of your woman in the sheets and more so do it right, submission comes instantly. It's something unexplainable but true... Trust me.
But if you're gonna let her dominate you especially all the time, my brother you're the wife in this relationship.

5. CAREER

i now get it why it is particularly hard for a man earning 80,000 Ksh to date a woman earning 500,000 Ksh. Yes, in ways more than one... She kinda is doing better than you. I'm sorry but it kinda is true. Especially in the brains of a feeble minded mediocre man. See, when the bills come, definately 3/4 of them will be paid by her earnings. If you as a man cannot handle the fact that it's a new world and learn of new ways to dominate your sexy beast of a power woman who is making waaaay more than you, you my man... Are the married. Not the marrier lol fake English but you get what I mean.

Part 2 will be up.
Hope in ways more than none, I have helped you understand this new breed of women aye?

May the odds forever be in your favor 
Nyandia.

WHY MEN LET WOMEN HAVE THEIR WAY

Yes. Finally, here we are. The truth of the matter is, guys do let women have their way with many things; among them their finances, then later when they get dumped for this and that reason, they start perfecting their art of tantrum-throwing saying all he ever gets to date is a gold-digging bitch in the name of a woman.

Here’s a few reasons on why I believe most men let women bleed them dry; emotionally, psychologically, mentally and physically:

     1.      Sex

Yes I said it. And it’s so true. When a chic has already started nibbling on your neck and has stripped, exposing her derriere, you as a guy will give her anything she asks for. Its nature, its males, its men. Sad but it’s true.

Also, when a man knows that the woman really knows her way around the man especially in bedroom matters; he will drop his account, get her a car and even begin paying for her mortgage. FACT

     2.      Weakness

Men really are the weaker sex in more ways than one. That’s why I don’t understand women who strive to be equal to men. Some guys really can never say no to anything that has tits and an ass. Some guys simply are easy to manipulate, as evil as it sounds, it is a fact. It sometimes is just that simple.

     3.      Power

Money. Some guys feel power knowing that they can and do provide everything for the lady. Given a chance, he would provide the very earth she walks on and the very air she breathes if he could just so he owns her. In all sugar daddy or side-dish cases, this is the issue, the old pot-bellied guy OWNS YOUR ASS and there’s nothing you can do about it. If he leaves you, basically you’re screwed.

    4.      Being a gentleman cum good boy

Yeah yeah yeah we get it, your Moms and Pops raised you right and according to them, a woman should never have to pay for anything, let alone the bill. Now, keep in mind that there is probably three generations of change between the time your parents were dating and the time you are dating. The women back then were disciplined and raised well in strict Christian homes with staunch values on discipline and respect. Nowadays half of us come from broken homes and we have no idea what love is supposed to be or feel like.

     5.      Lack of Understanding

Well, it is not much as the lack of but rather the fact that there is not a way to understand a whole entire species known as the Eve species. When men see a woman cry, they have no idea what to do and thus give in to literally everything and anything. Women have their way around a man’s emotions through manipulating their own emotions. Sad and treacherous but true.

      6.      Feeling Undeserving

 An overly macho, mentally weak, sensitive-minded male knows he does not DESERVE a strong minded woman. In his mind, he thinks one day she will mentally awaken to the realization she deserves better than him & leave him. Hence will do anything and everything in his will and ability, sometimes even beyond, to keep her. He tries everything he can to buy her love, loyalty, respect and so on and so forth.

So you see, it really is much deeper than we think or choose to think. Sometimes, it goes further and further back.

Men and Women, Ladies and Gentleman…Hope I somehow helped.

Blessings and Love,

Nyandia.

TYPES OF RELATIVES AND THEIR REMEDIES

Hey good people, feels like it has been forever yeah? Indeed it has been. I was away and interacted with people from a different culture, different country with different traditions and different overviews of basically, everything. Learning the fact that you do not stretch your hand at an elder person to greet them was a somewhat culture shock to me, apparently I have to bend so they can tap my shoulder…Oh well. This and a few other things enlightened me on the fact that somehow, all relatives are the same…and for those weird ones, we have remedies as we all end up treating them the same way no matter where we come from.

Here, a breakdown on types of relatives and how to deal;

1. The know-it-all noseys

This is the auntie, uncle or grandparent who claim to be the father of all fathers, the hill of all hills, mountain of all mountains. They enquire on every aspect of your life from anyone and everyone and come up to you with solutions on how to live your very own life. They are more inquisitive than the German Nazis and will grill you to your last marrow.

Remedy: Run for dear life

2. The ‘My Kids are Perfect’

Oh we all know this one. Their first born is doing medicine in the University of Yorkshire (if it exists), second born doing law at the Washington institute, third born is in a national school and the fourth born well, he is adorable and does as he is told. *puppy comes to mind* they work so hard at family events to make the rest of us look like hopeless cavemen and our parents like well, a joke. They yap non-stop even when no one asks, which is in most cases, about how the son saved the life of a dying motorist who was ran over by a train right after being hit by a rock which fell from the 6^th floor of an apartment.

Remedy: Work hard, Hear but don’t listen to them because highest chance is, they’re telling fibs.

3. The Clueless

This sadly happens to the males. You’ll find that one uncle who has no idea who your mother is, where you came from or if you’re even a boy or a girl. They never know anything, literally. They most probably don’t even watch the news and have no idea who is the Governor or Senator in their Counties. #sadbuthilarious

Remedy: Prayer and Fasting for them

4. The ‘Young Turks’

Aunties, Aunties, Aunties. She is a damn 40-50 years old but will not quit hanging with us. She will sleep where we sleep, go where we go, eat what we eat and drink what we drink. She somehow slithers her way into our conversations and puts Jesus and Simon Peter in there as well. She will not stop it despite intervention from her parents and even siblings.

Remedy: Shun Them. Quit encouraging and entertaining them. If it doesn’t work, get them high on an undiscovered drug OR feed them spices and watch magic happen. You’re Welcome.

5. The ‘Mentor’ and Model Child

This is a cousin or a sibling. Yes you read it right. One who can do no wrong in the eyes of anyone, even your parents. They make you look like the very spitting Image of a witch in the eyes of everyone. Yes your parents as well. They score perfect grades, are amazing sportsmen, dress approvingly, don’t drink or smoke, have no time for girlfriends or boyfriends, have all the time for family. Basically, they’re everything you’re not.

Remedy: Go with the flow. Eat thine humble pie then go rant elsewhere. Nobody is perfect, trust me there’s always a flaw.

6. The psychiatrists and psychologists

During family events, they call you on the side and slowly but convincingly enquire about you. How and who you are doing, (yes you read that right) how your grades are, probably how much you’re paid if you’re working, how your parents relationship is etc. etc. etc. Trust me, they have everything but good intentions. They then go ahead to give you advice on everything and anything and insist on you calling them every other day to share and cry. After which they will gladly go and spread the gospel of your one month pregnancy to your Grand mother’s neighbor.

Remedy: Run for the Hills. They are a RED ALERT

YOU’RE WELCOME

Love and Kisses,

Perfect Sibling wanna-be,

Nyandia Gachago