TYPES OF RELATIVES AND THEIR REMEDIES

Hey good people, feels like it has been forever yeah? Indeed it has been. I was away and interacted with people from a different culture, different country with different traditions and different overviews of basically, everything. Learning the fact that you do not stretch your hand at an elder person to greet them was a somewhat culture shock to me, apparently I have to bend so they can tap my shoulder…Oh well. This and a few other things enlightened me on the fact that somehow, all relatives are the same…and for those weird ones, we have remedies as we all end up treating them the same way no matter where we come from.

Here, a breakdown on types of relatives and how to deal;

1. The know-it-all noseys

This is the auntie, uncle or grandparent who claim to be the father of all fathers, the hill of all hills, mountain of all mountains. They enquire on every aspect of your life from anyone and everyone and come up to you with solutions on how to live your very own life. They are more inquisitive than the German Nazis and will grill you to your last marrow.

Remedy: Run for dear life

2. The ‘My Kids are Perfect’

Oh we all know this one. Their first born is doing medicine in the University of Yorkshire (if it exists), second born doing law at the Washington institute, third born is in a national school and the fourth born well, he is adorable and does as he is told. *puppy comes to mind* they work so hard at family events to make the rest of us look like hopeless cavemen and our parents like well, a joke. They yap non-stop even when no one asks, which is in most cases, about how the son saved the life of a dying motorist who was ran over by a train right after being hit by a rock which fell from the 6^th floor of an apartment.

Remedy: Work hard, Hear but don’t listen to them because highest chance is, they’re telling fibs.

3. The Clueless

This sadly happens to the males. You’ll find that one uncle who has no idea who your mother is, where you came from or if you’re even a boy or a girl. They never know anything, literally. They most probably don’t even watch the news and have no idea who is the Governor or Senator in their Counties. #sadbuthilarious

Remedy: Prayer and Fasting for them

4. The ‘Young Turks’

Aunties, Aunties, Aunties. She is a damn 40-50 years old but will not quit hanging with us. She will sleep where we sleep, go where we go, eat what we eat and drink what we drink. She somehow slithers her way into our conversations and puts Jesus and Simon Peter in there as well. She will not stop it despite intervention from her parents and even siblings.

Remedy: Shun Them. Quit encouraging and entertaining them. If it doesn’t work, get them high on an undiscovered drug OR feed them spices and watch magic happen. You’re Welcome.

5. The ‘Mentor’ and Model Child

This is a cousin or a sibling. Yes you read it right. One who can do no wrong in the eyes of anyone, even your parents. They make you look like the very spitting Image of a witch in the eyes of everyone. Yes your parents as well. They score perfect grades, are amazing sportsmen, dress approvingly, don’t drink or smoke, have no time for girlfriends or boyfriends, have all the time for family. Basically, they’re everything you’re not.

Remedy: Go with the flow. Eat thine humble pie then go rant elsewhere. Nobody is perfect, trust me there’s always a flaw.

6. The psychiatrists and psychologists

During family events, they call you on the side and slowly but convincingly enquire about you. How and who you are doing, (yes you read that right) how your grades are, probably how much you’re paid if you’re working, how your parents relationship is etc. etc. etc. Trust me, they have everything but good intentions. They then go ahead to give you advice on everything and anything and insist on you calling them every other day to share and cry. After which they will gladly go and spread the gospel of your one month pregnancy to your Grand mother’s neighbor.

Remedy: Run for the Hills. They are a RED ALERT

YOU’RE WELCOME

Love and Kisses,

Perfect Sibling wanna-be,

Nyandia Gachago