I sit at my desk for the first time in like almost four
hours. See, being in ICT in a huge organization is quite the task, worse if you
happen to have a medical condition that gives no signs of an attack until it
does. By 10 in the morning I was already tired from moving up and down the
stairs. This weekend, my body shut down and gave me hell and till now it seems I
haven’t recovered. Oh Boy! I literally feel like crying and tears are forming in
my eyes...oh shit, be back in a few
…ok, I am composed now atleast a bit. Basically Lupus is an
ass. The fatigue, the joint pain and inflammation, the bone pain, the feet
swelling probably due to the meds I have taken over the years affecting my
kidney, the memory loss, oh lets talk about that. Picture coming to town from
home to do something specific at a specific building and then head back home.
Picture getting to town, alighting and going into the CBD and all of a sudden
you have no idea where you are, have no idea the location you are going to and
probably have no idea where you came from, just like that. Welcome to my life
at times lol. Also, picture walking into an engineering exam room to sit for
your finals and when the paper is put infront of you, your brain shuts down and
you go blank, even your registration number, you have to check and confirm from
the Student I.D
I hate this. I hate being sick. Ugh nobody should ever have
to go through this. NOBODY deserves this, even your worst enemy. I can
literally feel my feet, my hands, my head, my back fail me, yeah I can
literally feel the pain creeping in, I feel
the heat and pain and swelling getting to my knees, ankles, elbows and
fingers...i feel it all. Crying does help by the way. Just like a baby, it puts
you to sleep and for a few hours, you forget it all.
And as from 3 weeks ago, I have been having these night
terrors. Trust me, they aren’t fun at all. Imagine waking up frightened,
sweating, shaking from your heart nearly popping from your chest and you have
no idea why. Literally every night. Sometimes I ask bae to come around, just so
I can lie on his chest and sleep, knowing that there is someone around helps
and through I may get panic attacks, they wont be as bad and there will be someone
to calm me down and tell me that everything is fine. This is something I haven’t
been able to get my head around as of why it happens…sometimes even my doctors
are confused. Yup I have like 4 doctors, all specialists and every two weeks I find
myself in the halls of the Karen Hospital.
In 2 weeks, I face a panel of doctors from all over courtesy
of my Uncle who is a doctor. They find my case pretty interesting as no one really
understands it yet and they will take samples here and samples there and try
work this jargon. I can only hope for the best, I can only pray for the best. I
actually stopped praying for my healing, I know its sad but its true. 4 years
down the line, all I can ask God is for his will to be done. He says that his
plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and assure a future. This
is his will and I so wait for it. Until then, I will hang on. Don’t get me
wrong though, I believe in healing, I’ve seen my Mom’s chronic asthma disappear.
She’d not even sip cold water or a soda and now, she can even crush ice if she
wanted because she can.
Dear reader, from me to you, take a minute and thank God for
your health. I on the other hand do know the battle is God’s and I know it will
not be over until God says it is finished. Ahhhh felt good letting it all out
here. Now I can get back to work.
Blessings and Love,
Nyandia.
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