#Memoirs

Sometimes as i sit on my couch in the evenings and watch TV,  I pause to think or absorb a few things here and there that have happened or I want to happen. I love to day dream and build castles so high up that no man could bring them down. I mean, two years ago I didn't even dream I would be where I am. Of course life is a journey and we may not yet be where we want to be, but hey! We definately aren't where we were yesterday.

I got back to work after a one week sick off and another week leave due to my health hitting a bump. I actually am back with so much fire and zeal that today I actually registered for gym so I can get my muscles back on track and avoid stiffness over my joints and body generally. Most people may not get why I'm super excited but trust me, for me to actually even stretch a hand or walk a mile after what i went through a week ago, oh boy! I'm with the angels praising on that one. I believe that it is always darkest before dawn and that's why even when I'm going through my lowest points in life at the time, I have to praise because  i know something good is coming up, a heavenly and earthly reward. I'm positive like that. I believe and trust that the height of your success is directly proportional to the depth of your falls. So when you're in a pit, praise God for your high is just getting higher and be ready to hit a new high.

We must never give up irregardless of whoever and whatever the situation. I believe what i mean is we should learn to accept what is, let go of what was and have faith on what is to come. That way, we let God's will be over our lives and we all know about his will...It is o lying to give us hope and a future. Remember that God's will can never lead us where his grace will not deliver us. I remember a while back I had a really bad fall out with my Mom and I badly wanted out. See, the base of it all is the fact that as you've read in my previous posts, her In - laws had a major issue with her and put her through hell both literally and figuratively.  And guess who I'm named after? Uh huh the queen herself who did such harm to the family. So I guess the fact that my Dad had been transferred to work in another town, my Mom could only lay out her frustrations and fury on me. So this time it got real bad and I had had enough and was done contemplating suicide so it was time to walk the talk,  or so I thought. Little did I know that my will isn't God's will and God doesn't answer to what you want but rather replies to what you need. We always had prescription pills lying around the house with my Mom's and Bro's Asthma back in the day before they got healed. I downed a total of ten piritons and as scared as i was, my brain told me that what lay in the unknown was much better than what I was going through. I had had it with the beatings, the threats and the insults. The psychological, mental and physical pain was just too much and I had to end it one way or the other. Ten piritons later I felt nothing,  not even sleepy for the fact that piritons are known for their sleep inducing factors...I was more awake than I've ever been smh! I wasn't really mad but I was scared shitless.

That's when a verse came to me 'it is in my weakness that God's greatest strength lies' so if everything I knew about myself, from the curses and insults was true, then that was ok since they were my weakness and that meant that God was strongest there. A calmness took me and I swear it was something I can't explain even to this day. I hope this explains something about why I always insist the greatest gift my parents ever gave me was take me to church and introduce me to God. From a very early age, God destined me for greatness, he knew me waaaay before he formed me in my mother's womb, he loved me even with all my wounds and scars and filth. All I needed was to understand this. And here I was at the tender age of 14: I understood this, I understood God's love, I understood what he meant when he calls it, Eternal.

My lovely people, never give up. God is just a second away from you uttering his name even through a tear, a cry, a thought, a regret, a reminisce and you know what, he knows each of us by name and knew us before he formed us in our Mother's wombs.
God loves you. God cares about you. God sees all you go through. He answers if you listen. Above all, he is your father. Learn to talk to him.

Love and Blessings,

Nyandia